"Pass the Salt, Please."

What would happen if the dinner conversation of a married couple in their 50’s resembled the script pages of a scene in a pornographic film? As a man and woman catch up on the day’s events, their banter morphs from “ho-hum” to “whoop-eee!” – without missing a “bite”. The scene reflects the state of sex in the America of the feminine mystique, as viewed by feminist Betty Friedan.
10-minute (1M, 1W, 1 Announcer)

*BEST OF SHOW - UNcover: A two-nite art exhibition with an erotic vibe - juried show – Cedar Rapids, IA, March 2007 (directed).
*Short film in pre-production, 2009.
*Semi-Finalist, Short & Sweet/Sydney: The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Australia, Sydney, Australia, December, 2007.
*Los Angeles premiere, Drake's Erotic Emporium on Melrose in West Hollywood, Saturday, August 2007.
*Accepted into The Dirty Show, Detroit, Michigan, February 2008. (Unfortunately, the timing was off and I couldn't cast the play in time for this erotic arts exhibition. Talks in progress for next year's event.)
*Semi-finalist for Asphalt Jungle Shorts IV, Ontario, Canada, Spring 2008.
*Accepted into ArtBash, sponsored by NeedTheater and The Hollywood Fringe Festival, Los Angeles, December 2008. (Pulled the show as the venue didn't do the piece justice.)
NEW! Official Selection for Little Red Studio's Erotic Shorts Festival - April 24-26, May 1-3, 2009.
NEW! Selected as opening night entertainment, Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, April 30, 2009.
NEW! 5-week run at Miami's City Theatre for Summer Shorts Festival, May 28 - June 21. (4 weeks in Miami, 1 week in Fort Lauderdale)

“I love it, love it, love it! It's spot on and heart-breakingly hilarious…I hope that ‘Pass the Salt, Please.’ has legs of steel!” – Donna Latham, Playwright, Chicago, IL

“I love the play. I have high expectations for (its) proper performance (in order to) do it the entitled justice.” – Casey Kasparek, Artist/UNcover organizer, Mount Vernon, IA

"I love the play." – Stuart Metzler, Artistic Director, City Theatre, Miami

“We are interested in discussing your play. It might be something we would be interested in sponsoring.” – John Ince, The Sex Party, British Columbia, Canada


“Pass the Salt, Please”.

Cast of Characters
ANNOUNCER: Open
MAN: 45-60
WOMAN: 45-60

The MAN and WOMAN are relatively the same age (ideal age would be mid 50’s to early 60’s); MAN is dressed in jeans, tee shirt and casual dress shirt; WOMAN is dressed in jeans or pants and top. There is no “look” for this couple; nor should they have to look like they’re a “couple” (I’d actually prefer it if they weren’t “pretty”). This play is shorter than 10 minutes if you read it straight through. So, the actors need to adhere to the beats and pauses – intentionally placed to drag out the dinner table conversation. The more gaps and holes in the dialogue, the better.

Setting
Tuesday evening. A dining room in a home. The SET consists of a small dining room table, two chairs, and place settings for two and a jug of water. When this was first staged, we used real food and I prefer that. FOOD consisted of a rotisserie chicken split in half, cottage cheese, potato salad and fresh fruit.

Time
The present.

“Pass the Salt, Please.”

(As the following quote is read by the director or another appropriate representative, LIGHTS FADE UP on scene.)

ANNOUNCER:
“Instead of fulfilling the promise of infinite orgasmic bliss, sex in the America of the feminine mystique is becoming a strangely joyless national compulsion, if not a contemptuous mockery.” Betty Friedan. U.S. feminist.
(Beat)
Ladies and Gentlemen: “Pass the Salt, Please.”

(Tuesday evening. A MAN and WOMAN are at either end of a medium-sized table eating dinner. They are quiet. The tone throughout the entire scene is sedate - monotone, expressionless – as if the couple’s bored, but not necessarily with each other. They are fazed by nothing each other says – everything spoken is matter-of-factly. There is a long pause while they eat before the WOMAN speaks. NOTE: pauses = 5 seconds, but the final discretion is up to the director.)

WOMAN:
Anything exciting happen at work today?

MAN:
Not really. Same old, same old. Why?

WOMAN:
No reason.

(Pause.)

MAN:
Pfieffer got fired.

WOMAN:
Who’s Pfieffer?

MAN:
Guy in accounting. Could you pass the salt?

(She passes the salt. Pause.)

WOMAN:
So – Pfeiffer got fired.

MAN:
Yep.

WOMAN:
What did he do?

MAN:
I told you – he worked in accounting.

WOMAN:
I meant what did he do to get fired.

MAN:
I’m not sure. I didn’t know him that well. Just heard about it.

WOMAN:
Then why’d you bring him up?

MAN:
You brought him up.

WOMAN:
How did I bring him up? I don’t know him. Could I have the salt, please?
(He passes the salt.)
Thank you.

MAN:
You asked me if anything exciting happened at work today. Pfeiffer getting fired was exciting.

WOMAN:
How do you figure?

MAN:
What’s your definition of “exciting”?

WOMAN:
(Beat)
Winning the lottery.
(Beat)
A new dining room set.

MAN:
OK.

WOMAN:
(Overlapping)
Traveling – anywhere.

MAN:
(Overlapping)
I got it. What about –

WOMAN:
(Overlapping)
Getting fired is not “exciting”.

MAN:
What about the guys who were waiting for the Hindenburg to land in New Jersey...the ones who caught the guide ropes the crew threw out?

WOMAN:
The linesmen?

MAN:
Yeh, the linesman. Yuh suppose at dinner later that night when the linesman’s wife asked him, ‘did anything exciting happen at work today, dear?’, he said, ‘no’?
(Beat)
What he said was, ‘Yeh, the God damn Hindenburg crashed and burned while I was holding onto one of the guide ropes’.
(Beat)
That’s “exciting”.

WOMAN:
That’s a tragedy.

MAN:
It’s still exciting.

WOMAN:
So I should be excited about people burning to death.

MAN:
I’m not saying you should revel in someone else’s tragedy. Excitement can mean ‘the state of being emotionally worked up’.
(Beat)
I’m simply saying there’s a level of excitement to everything – however dreadful it may be.

WOMAN:
Whatever.

MAN:
Whatever. Can I have the salt?
(She passes the salt. Beat.)
What are you doing tonight?

WOMAN:
I’d like to finish that book you gave me for Christmas – the one on cats.

MAN:
It’s a picture book.

WOMAN:
(Aside)
Yah.

(Pause.)

MAN:
I bought two boxes of paperwhite candles from Sheila. She –

WOMAN:
Who’s Sheila?

MAN:
My boss’s receptionist. You’ve met her. She hosted one of those house parties where women buy jewelry and Tupperware and – stuff.

WOMAN:
I didn’t know they still made Tupperware.

MAN:
Yep.

WOMAN:
When were you at her house?

MAN:
She brought them into the office.

WOMAN:
Men purchase stuff from house parties too, you know.

MAN:
I know. I bought candles.

WOMAN:
I love the smell of paperwhites.

MAN:
Yah – well I thought maybe we could light a few – later on...in the bathtub. Listen to some music...glass of wine – you know.

WOMAN:
You wanna put candles in the bathtub?

MAN:
No – you and I would be in the tub. The candles would be –

WOMAN:
Oh. Right.
(Beat)
We’ll see...maybe.
(Beat)
Candles and music, huh?

MAN:
It’s a “touch”.
(He salts his food. Pause.)
Do we have any honey?

WOMAN:
I don’t think so.

MAN:
Would you look for me?

WOMAN:
Why do you want honey?

MAN:
I like a full complement of condiments at my disposal when I’m eating. Is there anything wrong with that?

WOMAN:
Why don’t you look yourself?

MAN:
I don’t know where you keep it.

WOMAN:
I think we’re out of honey anyway.

MAN:
Forget it.
(Pause)
If I had some honey right now I’d take it and –
(Beat)
– squirt it on your chest.

WOMAN:
Excuse me?

MAN:
Then I’d lick the honey off your tits.

WOMAN:
You’re such a pig.
(Beat)
How would you like it if I took some honey and squirt it on...your...dick?