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Friday, July 27, 2007

"the Golgotha crux."

What if a letter existed that cast doubt on the true identity of Jesus Christ? And what if the source of that letter was St. Paul, who, more than anyone, was responsible for spreading and establishing Christianity throughout the world? And what if the Vatican knew about this letter but kept the revelation secret?

Stephen Prosser is a devout Catholic and deacon, respected family therapist, and loving husband and father who has been struggling with aspects of his faith, a matter he discusses with his mentor, Father Benjamin Vox, head pastor at St. Dominic’s Church. Stephen’s wife, Vanessa, abandoned the church several years ago following the death of their 6-year-old daughter, Shelby, and Stephen, feeling the loss of his daughter, holds regular “conversations” with Shelby to help him deal with his grief. Though Stephen and Vanessa are at odds about Christianity, they agree that their son, Christopher, 8, should be raised with some faith until he is an adult.

Feeling unchallenged in his therapy practice, Stephen becomes reinvigorated when he discovers that a young patient, Alec Winston, is an atheist – he’s fascinated by Alec’s choice and why he made it. The repartee that follows in subsequent therapy sessions follows the lines of “creationism versus evolution” arguments and peaks Stephen's attention for two reasons: his long-standing involvement in the Catholic Church, and his sudden "questioning" of his faith.

One day while hanging a picture in Father Benjamin’s office, Stephen accidentally finds a papyrus letter hidden behind another picture frame and confronts Father Benjamin as to its origin. Fearing more harm could be caused by avoiding Stephen’s probes, Father Benjamin takes Stephen into his confidence – relating a story about a series of ancient letters allegedly written by St. Paul that were found within the walls of the Vatican in the late 1860’s and brought to the attention of the current pope – Pope Paul IX. In one of these letters, St. Paul writes that, though Jesus Christ was indeed a great prophet, he was not the Son of God, his sole purpose on earth was not to die for our sins, and his body did not rise from a tomb – thus, not fulfilling the prophesy in the Old Testament. Only a handful of people have known of the letter’s existence, which was kept secret by Pope Pius IX because of the potential chaos he thought it might cause. Father Benjamin found out through a cardinal ten years ago; Stephen is now the next in line to keep the Vatican’s secret. However, he feels the discovery of the letter should be made public knowledge, and is astonished by his mentor’s compliance with this long-held secret.

Stephen wrestles with the moral and ethical questions raised by the cover-up. What would be gained by taking this news to the press? So, Stephen decides to write a guest editorial for the local newspaper on what life would be like if Jesus Christ wasn’t the Son of God. This way, he gets some of the particulars about the Vatican letter out in the open, but he doesn’t actually attribute his article to anything factual. The backlash from Stephen’s article might help him decide whether or not he should reveal the Vatican letter to the press.

With the church seemingly confirming some of Stephen’s religious doubts with the discovery of this letter, should Stephen feel justified – confident in his questioning of Christianity? Or will this revelation somehow provide Stephen with the strength to reaffirm his faith in God? And, will Stephen tell the press what he knows?
FULL-LENGTH (6M, 4W, 1 VO doublecast)


*Premiere stage reading at the Urban Theater Project of Iowa in May 2004.
*Finalist in the Dayton Playhouse Futurefest 2004.
*Semi-finalist in the Wagner College 2004 Stanley Drama Award competition in New York.
*Honorable Mention in the 73rd Annual Writer’s Digest Writing Competition/2004.

This is the first play I wrote - and it took the longest (3-4 years, lost track). I haven't revisited it in some time as I've been too busy working on other plays. It was no doubt the most controversial play at the Dayton Playhouse Futurefest festival and the audience really enjoyed it. When I get a chance to review the adjudicator's tape again, I'll post some of their comments. the Golgotha crux.

a play in two acts
by
jeffrey james ircink

© Copyright 2003, Jeffrey James Ircink
LC: Pau-2-758-362
4745 saint nicholas ave., culver city, ca 90230
c: (262) 806 2808
weakknees@gbpackersfan.com
January 2005

”I don’t know which will go first – rock and roll or Christianity.”
- John Lennon


SETTING
Any town in the United States.

TIME
The present.


Character breakdown

STEPHEN PROSSER – 43, family therapist and church deacon, devout Catholic, an “Everyman”; hasn’t really gotten over the death of his daughter, Shelby – he “talks” to her; he has a dry sense of humor and a positive outlook on life; moderate

FATHER BENJAMIN VOX – 74, head pastor at St. Dominic’s Church, friendly, warm, intelligent, kindly – like your grandfather – but deceptively pious when it comes to being a priest; conservative

VANESSA PROSSER – 43, Stephen’s wife, has a MBA, but has taken time off to raise their child; a once practicing Catholic, she has shunned organized religion, largely because of the death of her daughter; attractive, independent, blunt – but emotional and caring, liberal

SHELBY PROSSER – 6, she died two years prior and appears only as a figment of Stephen’s imagination, as cute as a button – and knows it, intelligent beyond her years, takes after her mother

CHRISTOPHER PROSSER – 7, your average boy, inquisitive, remembers some things about his sister, but doesn’t talk about her much

ALEC WINSTON – 20, college student, has been a patient of Stephen’s for a year or so; very intelligent, reserved, not a big sense of humor, but can be funny and playful in a sarcastic way

RICHARD YOUST – 45, comical, verbose
JUDY YOUST – 48, loud, opinionated
ROBERT WESTON – 52, stoic, intelligent, dry
EVELYN WESTON – 45, quiet, reserved

(NOTE: Double-cast the following character from the four characters above.)

ROSE – Stephen’s secretary (V.O.)


act I

scene i Sunday morning. St. Dominic’s Church.
scene ii Early Sunday morning. One week later.
Prosser home.
scene iii Monday morning. Stephen Prosser’s office.
scene iv Wednesday morning. Father Benjamin’s office.
scene v Monday evening. Prosser home.
scene vi Tuesday morning. One week later. Stephen Prosser’s office.
scene vii Early Wednesday evening. Father Benjamin’s office.
scene viii Wednesday evening. Later that evening. Prosser home.
scene ix Friday. Stephen’s office.
scene x Saturday evening. Prosser home.
scene xi Saturday evening. One week later. Father Benjamin’s office.

act II

scene i Later that same Saturday evening. Prosser home.
scene i i Monday evening. Prosser home.
scene iii Saturday. Early morning. Prosser home.
scene iv Saturday. Late afternoon. St. Dominic’s
Church.
scene v Saturday. Early evening. Prosser home.
scene vi Saturday. Late evening. Prosser home.
scene vii Saturday. Later that same evening.
Prosser home.
scene viii Monday. Late morning. Stephen’s office.
scene ix Monday evening. Prosser home.
Prosser home.
scene x Wednesday. Late morning. St. Dominic’s.
scene xi Friday. Early evening. Prosser home.


ACT I, SCENE I

(Sunday morning. St. Dominic’s Church. Spotlight POPS on an empty pulpit. Head pastor, Father Benjamin Vox, 74, enters from stage right and delivers his sermon.)

FATHER BEN
When Jesus came into the district of Caesari a Phillippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do men say the Son of God is?” And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, others say Eli jah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church,
(Begin a SLOW FADE UP on Stephen Prosser’s bedroom.)
and the powers of death will not prevail against it.”
(Father Ben exits. FADE TO BLACK.)

ACT I, SCENE II

(Early Sunday morning. One week later. Prosser home. Stephen Prosser, 43, is lying in bed. He is talking to his daughter, Shelby, 6. Shelby passed away two years earlier and is a figment of Stephen’s imagination. She is dressed in the same Sunday church outfit the entire play – a white dress and black buckle shoes.)

SHELBY
Daddy?
(Stephen doesn’t move. She shakes him.)
Daddy?

STEPHEN
I’m sleeping, baby.

SHELBY
(Placing her shoes and socks on the bed.)
I need help buckling my shoes.

STEPHEN
(Stephen opens one eye and glances at the clock on the nightstand.)
Shelby, why are you up and dressed at six in the morning?

SHELBY
Because it’s your first day at being a deacon.

STEPHEN
That’s not for a few hours yet, OK? Go back to bed.

SHELBY
But I don’t want you to be late.

STEPHEN
(Shelby tugs on the covers and Stephen reluctantly gets up.)
Remind me again, Shelby, that it’s the weekend.

SHELBY
It’s the weekend, Daddy.

STEPHEN
Thanks.
(Noticing Vanessa’s not in bed.)
Where’s your mother?

SHELBY
I dunno.

STEPHEN
(Lifting her onto the bed.)
Alright…let me see what you’ve got there.

SHELBY
My socks, first.

STEPHEN
Socks first. Right.

SHELBY
Daddy are you going to pray for me in church today?

STEPHEN
I pray for you everyday, baby. How about me? Daddy’s need prayers said for them, too, you know.

SHELBY
I know. I always pray for you, Daddy.

VANESSA
(Off-stage. Vanessa Prosser, 43, yells from downstairs.)
Stephen?!

STEPHEN
(To Vanessa.)
Vanessa!?

VANESSA
Are you up!?

STEPHEN
(To Vanessa.)
I am now!
(To Shelby.)
Aren’t I, baby?

VANESSA
You had a phone call this morning!

STEPHEN
(Pause.)
Am I the only person who wants to sleep in this morning?

SHELBY
I don’t know.

STEPHEN
I was talking to myself, baby. It’s called a rhetor – forget it.
(To Vanessa.)
Who was it?!

VANESSA
Benjamin!

STEPHEN
Benjamin who?!

VANESSA
Benjamin from St. Dominic’s! How many Benjamin’s do you know?!

STEPHEN
(To Shelby.)
I know two.
(To Vanessa.)
What did he want?!

VANESSA
He wanted to wish you luck this morning! You know, if you’d get outta bed and come down here we wouldn’t have to shout like this!

STEPHEN
(To Shelby.)
Really?
(To Vanessa.)
OK!

VANESSA
What!

STEPHEN
(Ignoring Vanessa.)
Where were we?
(Finishes with one shoe.)
How does that feel?
(Shelby doesn’t answer.)
You can answer that question.

SHELBY
It feels good.
(Pause.)
I like going to church, Daddy.

STEPHEN
(Putting on Shelby’s other shoe.)
I know you do, baby.

SHELBY
‘Cause Father Ben always picks me up and calls me his “little princess”. And I get to wear my white dress.

STEPHEN
Shelby, I see you in your white dress all the time.
(Pause.)
You know Father Ben’s away on a trip this week, so you won’t see him today.

SHELBY
I know.
(Pause.)
Do you think Mommy will come to church with us today?

STEPHEN
Shelby, you ask me that every Sunday, and every Sunday I tell you…

SHELBY
You tell me ‘Mommy’s busy. Maybe next Sunday’.

STEPHEN
Then why do you keep asking me?

SHELBY
If I keep asking, maybe she’ll come with us one day. Doesn’t she want to see what you do as a deacon?

STEPHEN
There’ll be plenty of chances for Mommy to see Daddy as a deacon.
(Giving her the once-over.)
You know, Father Benjamin’s right – you do look like a princess.

SHELBY
I know, Daddy.
(Shelby gives Stephen a hug and kiss, then exits. Stephen collapses back into bed. To suggest the passing of time – QUICK BLACKOUT and FADE UP lights on Christopher, 7, and Vanessa, who are finishing breakfast.)

STEPHEN
(Enters. Sarcastically.)
What a great morning not to sleep in.


CHRISTOPHER
Hi, Dad. Wanna hear about my dream?

STEPHEN
(Kisses Vanessa.)
So were you up at the crack of dawn, too?

VANESSA
(Motioning to Christopher.)
Morning. I didn’t have a choice.
(She brings Stephen’s coffee and breakfast to the table.)
Breakfast is hot.

STEPHEN
(He sits.)
Thanks.


VANESSA
He’s been talking about his dream since he got up. I think
you’ll get a kick out of it.

STEPHEN
So, sport…lay it on me.

CHRISTOPHER
I had a dream last night.

STEPHEN
I got that. What was it about?

CHRISTOPHER
I dreamt about Jesus.

STEPHEN
OK.
(To Vanessa.)
Doesn’t sound so frightening.
(To Christopher.)
And what was Jesus up to in your dream?

CHRISTOPHER
He wasn’t up to anything ‘cause he was nailed to the cross.

STEPHEN
(Pause.)
That’s an interesting image on a Sunday morning. You won’t be mad if I don’t press you for more details, will ya, sport?

CHRISTOPHER
Nope.

STEPHEN
You know…

CHRISTOPHER
Except that Jesus was laughing while he was on the cross – I forgot that part. Did you ever have a dream like that, Dad?

STEPHEN
No, I haven’t, Christopher, and I don’t think Jesus laughed when he was on the cross. Pass the jelly would you, Vanessa.

VANESSA
(She passes the jelly, glances at the clock, then grabs Stephen’s breakfast plate.)
You’re gonna be late.

STEPHEN
(Grabbing a slice of toast as Vanessa pulls the plate away.)
I just sat down.
(Christopher gets up and starts for the door.)
Hey, wait a second, sport! Come here.
(Christopher stops and walks back toward Stephen. With a dab of spit, Stephen presses down the hair that’s sticking up on Christopher’s head.)

STEPHEN
Let’s not have you go off to church looking like you just got out of bed, OK?
(Christopher nods.)
OK.
(Looking at Vanessa.)
What?
(Vanessa smiles as Christopher runs off. and hands Stephen a donut wrapped in a napkin and a “to-go” mug.)

CHRISTOPHER
(Off-stage.)
Come on, Dad!

STEPHEN
I’m coming!

VANESSA
You’ve got quite the sidekick there.

STEPHEN
Well, you know. Train’em when they’re young and they won’t know any different.

VANESSA
I think he’s as anxious as you are.

STEPHEN
Who said I was nervous?

VANESSA
I didn’t say you were nervous. I said you were anxious.

STEPHEN
(Puts his hand out.)
Look at that…cool as a cucumber.
(Stephen begins to exit, then hesitates.)
Last chance to come watch me set Catholicism back a hundred years.

VANESSA
I’m sure the church can figure out how to do that all by its lonesome.

STEPHEN
Yeh.
(Stephen exits. Vanessa walks to the sink. While her back is turned, Shelby runs past and out the door.)

SHELBY
Wait for me, Daddy!!
(Vanessa doesn’t notice Shelby. FADE TO BLACK.)

ACT I, SCENE III

(Monday morning. Stephen’s office. Stephen is talking to Alec Winston, 20, a college student and patient.)

ALEC
You seem preoccupied this morning, Dr. Prosser.

STEPHEN
I have a meeting with my board of review. I’m – anxious.
(Pause.)
So, Alec. What would you like to talk about today?

ALEC
Haven’t given it much thought. We could talk about the weekend?

STEPHEN
How was your weekend?

ALEC
Uneventful really. Studied mostly.

STEPHEN
OK.

ALEC
(Long pause.)
My car got towed last week.
(Stephen’s quiet.)
No parking zone.

STEPHEN
Shoulda read the signs.

ALEC
There weren’t any posted.
(Thinking.)
Huh. I can’t think of anything else that would constitute as a “highlight”, doctor.

STEPHEN
Everyone has a “highlight”, Alec. A proctologist has a highlight. You have a highlight.

ALEC
I’m alive?

STEPHEN
(Pause.)
See, you’re in the black already.

ALEC
(Pause.)
You know what, that’s OK. I’m starting to get used to the bad-things-happen-to-good-people routine.

STEPHEN
Need the name of a good guardian angel?

ALEC
You mean there are bad ones? I don’t think it would do me any good anyway.

STEPHEN
Got something against guardian angels?

ALEC
Just religion.

STEPHEN
(Pause.)
I see.

ALEC
Sort of a handy little thing to help tie up loose ends, isn’t it?

STEPHEN
Religion? Depends on what kind of loose ends you have in your life, Alec.

ALEC
None that concern religion. Besides, being an atheist sorta has a ring to it, don’t you think?

STEPHEN
How do your parents feel about this?

ALEC
Helpless, I suppose. We don’t discuss it much. I’m an adult. What can they do?

STEPHEN
Well, since we seem to be at a standstill as to what to talk about, why don’t we talk about your lack of a faith?

ALEC
I didn’t know religion figured into your repertoire of counseling techniques.

STEPHEN
I guess I’m partial to the unconventional – as long as it works.
(Pause.)
Being an atheist is part of who you are, Alec. If discussing that aspect of your life helps our sessions, who’s the wiser?

ALEC
Wait a second.
(Pause.)
I’m hearing a faint chorus of “Shall We Gather at the River”.

STEPHEN
(Smiling.)
My job is to get people to talk about what’s troubling them, and it doesn’t sound like you’re troubled about your religious beliefs. But the choice you made – that’s a journey I’m interested in.

ALEC
Whatdaya wanna know?

STEPHEN
“Why” seems like a great place to start.

ALEC
Why not?
(FADE TO BLACK.)

ACT I, SCENE IV

(Wednesday morning. Father Benjamin’s office. Stephen knocks on the door, then pokes his head in.)

FATHER BEN
Good morning, Stephen. This is a surprise.

STEPHEN
Morning, Father. I was in the neighborhood. Um-m…actually I thought we could talk, but I can come back if you’re busy.

FATHER BEN
Nonsense. Have a seat.
(Stephen enters and sits. Father Ben shuts the door and returns to his desk.)

STEPHEN
So how was your trip? Rome, wasn’t it?

FATHER BEN
Oh-h, it was wonderful. Have you ever been?

STEPHEN
No.

FATHER BEN
Do you know that after all these years of going to the Vatican, I finally tossed a coin into Trevi Fountain?

STEPHEN
You made a wish, right?

FATHER BEN
I did. And I’m still waiting for it to come true. So. What can I do for you, Stephen?

STEPHEN
(He fumbles for the right words, yet the words he chooses are spoken slowly and deliberately.)
Father…do you ever – have you ever questioned…I mean, really questioned your faith?

FATHER BEN
I question God every day, Stephen. Even the most pious and zealous Christians question their faith.

STEPHEN
And that doesn’t bother you?

FATHER BEN
Not really. When you spend as much time as I do engrossed in the scripture, religious history and doctrine – the business of religion – one is bound to find discrepancies in philosophy and teachings that lead you to ask “why?”.
(Pause.)
I might be able to answer your question better if I knew what it is you’re questioning.

STEPHEN
I’m not exactly sure.
(Pause.)
I guess I don’t feel like I trust God the way I used to – you know, that I’m expected to blindly put my faith in him ‘cause he’s got all the answers. Look at the world, Father – people are starving and killing each other…there’s suffering, disease, children – not even being given a chance to experience life.
(Pause.)
Have you ever thought – what if religion is some fantasy that the church perpetuates to keep us in check? The whole concept of Christianity isn’t rational thought, Father – you do understand that? I mean if I were to wake up tomorrow and tell the world I communicate with God through my electric shaver, people would think I was nuts. But to believe in one, supreme being whose son was born of a virgin birth, turned water into wine, raised dead people, ascended into heaven – that’s perfectly acceptable behavior. And if you don’t believe that, then you’re nuts.

FATHER BEN
(Thinking.)
That’s a lot for one man to have on his plate.

STEPHEN
I have a voracious appetite.

FATHER BEN
I see that. You know, Stephen, questioning God’s motives is vastly different than questioning his existence.

STEPHEN
I believe God exists.

FATHER
There – we’ve put one question to rest.
(Pause.)
Have you felt this way before? To the extent that it’s bothering you this much?

STEPHEN
(Pause.)
No.
(Pause.)
When my father died – I was 26, and…that was a rough time for me. He’d been sick for a while, so we knew, you know, that it wouldn’t be too long…but you’re never really prepared…ah-h, to deal with him…dying. I went to see him in the hospital – toward the end, and I was looking at him and boom – my entire life spent with my father flashed in front of my eyes. Hunting and fishing, dad playing his guitar, working in the yard – my parents together. We talked for a bit and at one point he came right out and said, ‘Stephen, I need to know that you’re OK with me letting go. I’m ready to be with Grandma and Grandpa. I’m ready to be with God.’ I didn’t know what to say. I stood there – my eyes welled up, and suddenly I blurted out, ‘You’re gonna fight this – you can beat this if you’d only try! Please, Dad. Please, try!’ He said, ‘I can’t, Stephen. I’m tired. It’s my time’, and I yelled, ‘I don’t care! I can’t let you go, not like this! Look at all the things we haven’t done! Do you hear me?! Please hang on, Dad! Please!’ I hugged him so hard – I was afraid to let go. I gave him a kiss on his cheek and whispered into his ear, ‘I can’t let you go, Dad…not like this’. I was crying and I ran out. He died an hour later.
(Pause.)
I know I’m not the only person to lose a loved one, but I didn’t care about other people’s pain – only my own. There was never any conflict between my dad and I – nothing left unsaid. I just loved him so much and didn’t want him to leave me. And when he did, I hated life and I hated God for taking him away from me.

FATHER BEN
But you returned to your faith.

STEPHEN
It took a while, but yeh.

FATHER BEN
And things at home are…

STEPHEN
Fine.

FATHER BEN
I know you don’t like to talk about it, but Vanessa’s faith – it’s been shaken terribly. Could that have some bearing on this uncertainty your feeling?

STEPHEN
Shaken? Father, she has no faith.

FATHER BEN
You’ve managed to weather that crisis rather well…considering.

STEPHEN
It’s…a – I’m still weathering it.

FATHER
How are things at work? Dealing with people’s unpleasantries day after day…maybe that has something to do with the way you’re feeling.

STEPHEN
My job.
(Pause.)
Lots of lost souls whose therapist’s tolerance and understanding isn’t what it used to be.

FATHER BEN
You sound disenchanted.

STEPHEN
I don’t enjoy my work like I used to. I used to enjoy listening to perfect strangers’ problems and offering my analysis. Now I – it feels like I’m going through the motions.
(Stephen snickers to himself.)

FATHER BEN
What’s that?

STEPHEN
Oh, I was just thinking that the highlight of my job is when I see this kid – a patient of mine. We stumbled on the topic of religion during one of our sessions and he informed me that he’s an atheist. I saw that revelation as some psychological nugget – whatever, and pursued it and whenever we talk about religion, regardless of what Christian spin I try to put on what he says, his logic makes more sense than anything I’ve ever believed.
(Pause.)
I try to pray –
(Pause.)– but I don’t understand why I’m praying. I mean even when I dream about religion – I don’t see things the way I used to, the way I’m supposed to. And it’s the same dream, over and over and over again.

FATHER BEN
Well now you’ve piqued my interest.

STEPHEN
In my dream?

FATHER BEN
I’d like to hear about it. If you don’t mind.

STEPHEN
(Hesitant.)
Well…
(Then reflecting – taking his time.)…um-m, the dream is about the crucifixion. I’m standing outside, with all these people at Calvary, Golgotha, however you wanna refer to the place where Jesus was crucified. It’s pouring. The puddles have puddles. It’s dark out…you can’t tell where the sky ends and the earth begins. The people standing around me, sobbing in the mud…they’re just silhouettes. I can’t make out anyone’s face. No one’s talking. And I’m waiting for this big…ta-da, you know? I’m waiting for Jesus to reveal himself while he’s nailed on the cross – something poignant ‘cause…that’s what he does, right? So I wait. There’s nothing. I wait a little longer. Quiet. Just the rain and sobbing. And I’m like, ‘come on, Son of God…the spotlight’s on you’, and then…he starts laughing, and this sadness I’m overcome with turns to – well, I’m not sure; all I know is I’m feeling creepy all of a sudden. And then Jesus says, ‘Why are you people wasting your time in the rain mourning me? I’m not the Son of God! Go! I can’t save you or myself! You are all going to die, just like me!’. The rain stops. The sobbing stops. And Jesus dies. There’s no angels blaring trumpets or heavenly hosts. The ground doesn’t shake. There’s no ascension into heaven. This man is dead – forever.
(Pause.)
Not a popular version for Sunday morning sermons is it, Father?

FATHER BEN
No. No it’s not. What do you think it means?

STEPHEN
(Thinking.)
I really don’t think I wanna know. What I do know is that Christopher’s had the same dream and any psychologist will tell you that that’s…unusual.

FATHER BEN
Huh.
(Thinking.)
Well for starters, I’d suggest doing something to stimulate the religious aspect of your life – take a retreat, read scripture, pray.
(Pause.)
Now this patient of yours – is he an atheist lauding atheism, or an atheist with some void in his life searching for direction? More and more people are turning back to religion these days. He may feel uncomfortable discussing this with his parents and he’s looking to you for spiritual counseling.

STEPHEN
I’ve considered that.

FATHER BEN
Have faith, Stephen. The answers will come to you – along with God’s comfort and blessings. You know, the way in which you help this patient of yours may, in turn, be the same thing that helps you.

STEPHEN
Maybe.
(Looking at his watch.)
I, ah – I should go, Father. Thanks…for listening.

FATHER BEN
That’s what we do, isn’t it?

STEPHEN
Yes we do. Goodbye.
(Stephen exits. FADE TO BLACK.)

ACT I, SCENE V

(Monday evening. Prosser home. The Prosser’s have just sat down to dinner. Shelby’s back is facing the audience.)

STEPHEN
Shall we say “Grace”?

VANESSA
(Looking around.)
I forgot the peas.
(She heads into the kitchen.)

ALL
“Bless us, oh Lord, and these our gifts, for which we are about to receive, from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.”

STEPHEN
So how was your day, Christopher?

VANESSA
(Re-enters with peas.)
Tell your father what happened at school.

CHRISTOPHER
Tommy Shuck farted during naptime.

VANESSA
I meant tell your father what you did in school today.

CHRISTOPHER
Oh. Um-m…first, we checked our homework from yesterday. I got three stars. Then we finger-painted leaves falling off the trees. Mrs. Weirs read us a story, and, let’s see…we ate lunch, took our nap, and that’s when Tommy Shuck farted.

VANESSA
Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER
I don’t think he knew he farted though ‘cause he was asleep.

STEPHEN
So, did someone tell Tommy he –

VANESSA
Now that we’ve covered the day’s important events – Stephen, anything exciting happen at the office today?

STEPHEN
Nothing out of the ordinary, though I did have an interesting discussion with a patient – a college student – I’ve been counseling for a year or so.
(Glancing at Vanessa.)
He informed me out of the blue that he doesn’t have a faith either.

VANESSA
Yeh…there are a few of “those” people around. You didn’t give the poor kid the third degree, did you?

STEPHEN
No-o, I didn’t give the poor kid the third degree. We talked about it though. That’s what his parent’s are paying me for.

VANESSA
To talk about why their child’s an atheist?

STEPHEN
I don’t pick the topics of conversation, Vanessa. I just listen.

CHRISTOPHER
What does “atheist” mean?

STEPHEN
(Quick look to Vanessa.)
Ah-h…well, an atheist is a person who doesn’t believe in God.

CHRISTOPHER
Like the devil?

STEPHEN
Not quite. The devil believes in God – he just doesn’t like God’s work. The devil used to be one of God’s angels, did you know that?

VANESSA
Stephen…

STEPHEN
Yeh, he was. So…

CHRISTOPHER
How does an angel become a devil?

VANESSA
Christopher, eat your food, please.

STEPHEN
Hm-m. That’s a tough one, sport. Um. If you’re an angel, and you disobey God…then he sends you to a place where all the bad people go. It’s not common for one of God’s angels to act naughty though.

CHRISTOPHER
Could I ever become a devil?

STEPHEN
You already are, sport.

CHRISTOPHER
Did you try on your Halloween costume yet?

STEPHEN
(Not happy.)
I will, don’t worry.

Read more!

Cover of "Stan's Addiction", Heuer Publishing, 2007.


Read more!

"Stan's Addiction"

The time is the future. The place is New York City. And Stan Ranik is the last nicotine smoker on planet Earth.

Earth of the future is a planet with an increased intolerance for cigarette smoking. The world’s governments have banned together to offer large cash bounties to individuals who quit smoking cigarettes and related products (i.e. cigars, pipes, smokeless tobacco, etc.). These operations are carried out exclusively by the world government-sponsored agency, SPONGE (Council for Society’s Prohibition and Obliteration of Nicotine through Growth in Efficient Living), headed up by “The Chairman”. SPONGE’s rigorous campaign to wipe out nicotine worldwide hinges on, of course, the cash bounty, but also a tiny sensor chip planted into the arm of the ex-smoker to monitor any nicotine intake. Any breach in the sensor chip security and the perpetrator must return the cash bounty – in full – and is sent to a rehab clinic where he or she is forced to kick their nicotine habit forever.

Stan Ranik is passionate about sticking to his freedom to smoke. Not only is Stan adamantly against SPONGE’s platform, but he is also against the use of the sensor chip, and is convinced the government has ulterior motives in its intentions. His close friends, Patrick and Stu – both ex-smokers – are constantly trying to convince Stan to kick his habit, but their incessant, trivial banter is excuse enough for Stan that he does not want to become another byproduct of SPONGE’s stop smoking campaign.

In the meantime, Stan meets and begins dating Aubrey Smith. In an attempt to solidify any future the couple may have – and pacify Stu and Patrick’s numerous requests, Stan attends a smokers’ anonymous meeting, after which he gets a call from The Chairman, who invites Stan to SPONGE headquarters for a private tête-à-tête.

Not surprisingly, Stan and The Chairman do not see eye-to-eye on the subject at hand and The Chairman, seeing his passive attempts to get Stan to join up with SPONGE are futile, physically threatens Stan and those closest to him – even hinting that Patrick, Stu and Aubrey are somehow involved in the plot to get Stan to quit smoking.

Given a choice between smoking and his love for Aubrey, Stan feels that it is useless to continue to fight the system and succumbs to the pressures put on him by The Chairman, SPONGE and society.
FULL-LENGTH (4M, 1W, 5 misc. roles doublecast)


*Premiere stage reading at the Urban Theater Project of Iowa in May 2005.
*Published by Heuer Publishing Co. in August 2006.
*Featured full-length play in an evening of staged readings at The Stray Dawg Theatre Company in Belfast, Ireland, April 2006.
*Reading at Manhattan Theatre Source/Bleeker Street Irregulars Theatre Company, Greenwich Village, New York City, May 2007.

"You have written a strong play with a simple, but imaginative concept...the world you have created is challenging and gripping and the characters are beautifully depicted...an engaging play with a captivating premise." – Jessica Corn, Trinity Repertory Company, Providence, RI

“It’s very funny, the dialogue has a great natural feel and good pace. I enjoyed reading it.” – Jenny Larson, Literary Manager Salvage Vanguard Theatre, Austin, TX

“Brilliant! I love the sleezy SPONGE spokeswoman concept – the temptress. Great addition...The premise is fascinating.” – Geri Albrecht, Editor-in-Chief/Heuer Publishing

"I love 'Stan’s Addiction'. The characters are interesting and funny, the humor is smart, the dialogue is rhythmic and engaging, and the subject matter is immediately relevant without dating itself out of future productions...What’s more, by treating the issue with humor, he is inviting the audience to participate in the debate in a non-threatening and terrifically accessible way." Leslie Charipar, Artistic Director/Urban Theater Project of Iowa

"The smoking thing is very topical at the minute...There's a real Big Brother aspect to it." Sean Paul O'Rawe, director/Stray Dawg Theatre, Belfast, Ireland

For copies of this play and royalty information, contact HEUER PUBLISHING CO. at http://www.hitplays.com/

STAN’S ADDICTION

A Play in Two Acts
by
Jeffrey James Ircink

© Copyright 2004, Jeffrey James Ircink
LC: Pau3-041-776
4745 saint nicholas avenue
culver city, ca 90230
c: (262) 806-2808
weakknees@gbpackersfan.com
www.jeffircink.blogspot.com
Published by: Heuer Publishing LLC
1-800-950-7529
www.hitplays.com
May 2007

Dedication page
To my family – Jim, Dee and Jason. And to the girl who loves to run barefoot through the wet grass.


Cast of Characters

STAN RANIK: 36, the last smoker on the planet; self-assured, charming and passionate; dry, sarcastic sense of humor; works in sales; regularly meets with friends, PATRICK and STU, for coffee at a local café; the most “normal” of the three.

PATRICK: 37, STAN’S friend, has known STAN for twenty years, ex-smoker, opinionated, very aggressive personality – pushy and in-your-face; uses profanity when he gets excited or angry, somewhat eccentric.

STU: 41, STAN’S friend, ex-smoker; more eccentric than PATRICK, yet comes across seemingly normal; very kind and caring; passive and more of a follower while in the company of others.

AUBREY SMITH: 34, STAN’S girlfriend, lingerie/swimsuit model turned hand model - confident and independent but with a hidden vulnerability, can appear standoffish at first-glance; witty, a woman who can take care of herself.

THE CHAIRMAN: 60, head of SPONGE, a gentleman - charismatic, ability to get down to anyone’s level, conniving, arrogant and self-righteous; he will do anything to further his agenda.

VOICES #1 - #4: Double cast from THE CHAIRMAN, STU, PATRICK and AUBREY. They wear see-thru masks to cover their identity. They are motionless, but the articulation in their voices is animated and real.

WAITER: Non-speaking role.

ANNOUNCER (VO): A female voice heard on a loudspeaker. Proper British accent. She is a tool of propaganda for SPONGE. Calming, soothing, inviting and sexy with a hint of playfulness. Should be voiced by AUBREY – as it turns out, they are one in the same.

SCENE:
New York City.

TIME:
The future.

Act I

scene i Monday morning. The café.
scene ii Thursday evening. The grocery store.
scene iii Monday morning. The café.
scene iv Wednesday evening. Aubrey’s home.
scene v Thursday evening. One week later. CO-Op meeting.

Act II

scene i Friday morning. The Chairman’s office.
scene ii Friday. Late afternoon. The Chairman’s office.
scene iii Thursday morning. One month later. The café.


Author’s notes:
Though this play concerns itself with the last smoker on the planet, the lack of smoking in any of the scenes is not without cause – for two reasons. First, the concept of a play about a smoker you don’t see smoke is intriguing. Secondly, as STAN is the only smoker in the world, the lack of smoking in all scenes reflects the reality of life on Earth in the future.

Keeping this in mind, I have used a staging technique to better illustrate the world STAN RANIK lives in and, with that, a clarification of the terms I am using is essential. “Set” and “scene” will be used interchangeably. As the LIGHTS FADE UP at the beginning of each scene, the actors will be in place - “in character”...minus STAN, who will be strategically placed at various points “on stage” having a cigarette – but outside the actual “set”/”scene” (“set” being the technical term and “scene” being the theatrical term). As the LIGHTS continue to FADE UP, STAN finishes his cigarette and whatever he is doing as noted in the stage directions, and makes his way to his starting position of that particular scene. By the time the lights reach their maximum level, STAN will be in place and the scene will begin.

This device helps to remind the audience that STAN is, in fact, the last smoker and reinforces the loneliness he feels in a world where he is ostracized for being a smoker.


ACT I, SCENE I

(Monday morning. The café. The only light comes from the burning end of cigarette off-stage. SPOTLIGHT FADES UP to reveal STAN RANIK standing on-stage, but out of the scene, smoking a cigarette. A 2nd set of LIGHTS FADE UP to reveal PATRICK and STU, who are sitting at an outdoor café having coffee. The actors are “in character” - each sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop® and reading a newspaper. The ANNOUNCER’S voice is heard over a loudspeaker as STAN finishes his cigarette, and makes his way to his starting position.)

ANNOUNCER
“Good morning, Humanity. Kunegunda (PRONOUNCED, “COON-E-GOONDA”), here – the voice of SPONGE. Well, the count is now at two. Only two Citizens left until planet Earth is smoke-free. We’ve made great strides here at SPONGE in our efforts to reinvigorate our world for you, your children and future generations.

And for you last two smokers out there - isn’t it time you united with the rest of the world in our quest for a better Planet Earth? We’re waiting for you.”

(As lights reach their maximum level, STAN is in place with PATRICK and STU, and the scene begins.)

STU
(His head in the paper.)
Paper says it’s supposed to be hot the rest of the week into next week.

PATRICK
(His head in the paper, fiddling with a pencil. Matter-of-factly.)
Hard work - being a weatherman. Stick your head out the window and say, ‘it’s hot’, ‘it’s cold’, ‘it’s raining’, ‘it’s snowing’. Stick your head out the window every ten minutes for your updates, and there you go – you’re a weatherman.

STU
I think there’s a little more to it then that, Patrick.

PATRICK
(Looks up from his paper.)
Well...I suppose there is that whole “lingo” thing.

STU
(Beat)
Yeh – the lingo thing.

PATRICK
You have to have a firm grasp of the lingo – jargon, vernacular – however you wanna refer to it. That’s the gist of what being a weatherman’s all about.

STU
Yep.

PATRICK
It’s certainly not about the weather...or your knowledge of the weather, for that matter. It’s all about the lingo.

STU
I’m aware of the lingo, Patrick.

PATRICK
Are you?
(Beat)
Nor’eastern.

STU
I don’t wanna get into this with you right now.

PATRICK
Nor’eastern.

STU
(Thinking.)
High pressure ridge.

PATRICK
You’re kidding me, right?

STU
You have a problem with “high pressure ridge”?

PATRICK
My kid can do better than that.

STU
Well if you think you – or your kid - can do better why don’t you both become weathermen?

PATRICK
‘Cause I don’t wanna become a weatherman, Stu. And Christopher’s only five – he wants to become a fireman.
(Thinking.)
Dew Point.

STU
Greenhouse effect.

PATRICK
Ozone layer.

STU
(Beat)
Rogue clouds.

PATRICK
Doppler radar.

STU
Coastal eddy.
(To STAN.)
That’s my personal favorite.

PATRICK
Squall line.

STU
(Long pause.)
Chilblain.

PATRICK
(Beat)
What the fuck is a chilblain?

STU
It’s an old Middle English term meaning, “cold swelling”. It refers to the distress of the skin due to extreme cold.

PATRICK
“Old Middle English”?


STU
It makes me more marketable.

PATRICK
Marketable for what?

STU
If I ever decide to go into weather forecasting.

PATRICK
You mean meteorology?

STU
No-o...that sounds too complicated. Weather forecasting is what I’m interested in.

PATRICK
Good. So now you can forecast the weather from Sherwood Forest.

STU
It’d be easy enough. The weather in the British Isles is at a constant – a constant rain, a constant fog and a constant overcast.

PATRICK
And a constant blah, bla-blah, bla-blah. Don’t forget chilblain.

STU
That’s more of the effect of the weather, not a weather condition.

PATRICK
Right. Any other geographic Eden’s you fancy?

STU
(Thinking.)
Australia. Nepal would be interesting.

PATRICK
Nepal. And when were you planning to delve into this new career?

STU
I’m not sure. I’m simply preparing myself in case I decide to venture into that foray.

PATRICK
Like your foray into the ham radio business?

(STU pulls a small pamphlet from his pant pocket and throws it on the table.)

STU
I have never lost my interest in the ham radio business, thank you!

PATRICK
(Reading from the pamphlet.)
The Wonderful World of Ham Radio: Your Guide to the Fascinating Ways Hams Communicate©. My mistake.

(Glancing away from his newspaper, STAN throws a couple of stir straws at PATRICK and STU.)

STAN
Hey...Radio Free U.S. calling Friar Tuck and Little John. Enough with the weather bullshit, alright? I’m trying to read.

PATRICK
You made the paper again, Stan.

STAN
I saw. I wish they’d give me a more interesting moniker. “Sales executive from the U.S.” - it’s got no punch.

PATRICK
You’re being particular for someone who appreciates anonymity, aren’t you?

STU
Did they up the smoking bounty again?

PATRICK
Yeh, by 5%. That’s not all. That retired tobacco executive in Virginia – he dropped out. That leaves just two: you and that performance artist in Paris.
(Beat)
God, that is one, fucking ugly broad.
(Seeing that STAN’S confused.)
That’s the woman I’m always telling you looks like a guy.
You don’t remember.

STAN
I remember. I always thought “the guy” and “the broad” were two different people. So what do you hate – her or her act?

PATRICK
Both.

STU
For someone who hates her so much, you talk about her a lot.

PATRICK
I didn’t say I found her sexually unappealing.

STU
(To STAN.)
That’s because she performs in the nude.

STAN
You mean even though you find her repulsive you’d sleep with her?

PATRICK
(Without hesitation.)
Ah-h...yeh.
(Beat)
Look, I know she’s one of the last two smokers in the world. Big deal. Stan here’s one of the last two smokers in the world and the world could give two shits about him. No offense, Stan. I’m just saying that this chick - Eponine or Marie Antoinette or whatever the fuck her name is – has become something of a celebrity and I think it’s a crock because she’s an uppity, little bitch whose “act” sucks - and she looks like a guy.

STAN
Have you ever thought that perhaps it’s the ugly, French woman’s art that draws people to her?

PATRICK
Have you seen her act, Stan? She is her art.

STAN
Have you ever seen her act?

PATRICK
No, but I read about it in Playboy™.

STAN
(To STU.)
Did you tell him Playboy had text or did he figure that out on his own?

PATRICK
(Ignoring STAN.)
She pours Elmer’s™ glue all over herself, asks the audience to throw crap they find in their purses and pockets on stage and then rolls around in it. What the hell is that? And when she’s finished, she prances around the audience
like some fucking coked up Twyla Tharp, coercing people
into sticking dollar bills on her body.

STU
(Overlapping)
I think –

PATRICK
(Overlapping)
She’s quoted in all these pretentious art-house publications about how she suffers for her art and that she wouldn’t have to go through all this – whatever “this” is - if the world would just “get it”. Get what? That she’s a fuck’in dipshit? I got that!

STAN
You curse a lot when you get angry.

PATRICK
What about it?

STAN
Nothing. It just struck me, that’s all.

PATRICK
I don’t get angry that often – except when I read about that fucking French bitch.
(Beat)
All I’m saying is I don’t get all the hoo-ha, that’s all.

STAN
I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. The rest of the world gets its kicks out of seeing people like her plucked from
obscurity and thrown into the world of celebrity.
(To STU.)
Or the rest of the world just wants to bang her like Patrick.

STU
I think her art is a metaphor for how we need to take stock of our lives and shed all the meaningless minutia that weighs us down.
(Beat)
That’s just my opinion.

PATRICK
See – she’s already got Stewart sucked into her little scam.

STU
I didn’t get sucked in. I’m just a little more open-minded than you are, that’s all.

STAN
Atta boy, Stewart – always the diplomatic one.

STU
Hey-y...you’re the last man standing, Stan! I mean, the last MAN standing. As opposed to the very last person –

PATRICK
We know what you mean, Stu.

STU
Tobacco executive.
(Beat)
You couldn’t script that any better. I always thought it funny when that guy starting making the newspapers.

PATRICK
Everyone thought it was funny, Stu – he was a tobacco executive. So how long you figure on holding out, Stan?

STAN
Patrick, you ask me that every time someone bites on the government’s smoking incentive. I’m not “holding out”. I’m choosing not to participate.

PATRICK
Well how long you gonna “choose not to participate”?

STU
Yeh...you got some sort of plan or something?

PATRICK
You gotta have a plan.

STAN
I don’t gotta have anything.

PATRICK
No, you don’t. But how long do you think the government’s gonna sit around and watch you make a mockery of it’s program to improve the quality of life on earth? Stan, it’s not like we’re talking Greenpeace or PETA, here. You’re flaunting this whole smoking thing right in the U.S. government’s face. The very top.

STU
The world government’s face.

PATRICK
Yes. The United Nations’ face. That’s even worse.

STU
In SPONGE’s face.

PATRICK
The Chairman’s face.

STAN
What is it with that guy? The Chairman this. The Chairman that. ‘Oh-h, don’t wanna piss off The Chairman.’ ‘Bow to The Chairman – the monarch of the nicotine-free world.’

PATRICK
That’s because he is the monarch of the nicotine-free world.

STU
He’s the head of SPONGE.

PATRICK
Council for Society’s Prohibition and Obliteration of Nicotine through Growth in Efficient Living. Believe me, Stan, you don’t wanna fuck with those people – or The Chairman.

STAN
You guys talk about him like he’s the pope, for Christ’s sake.

PATRICK
For the Pope’s sake, I don’t think he’d make a good Chairman. Too pious. The Chairman is...he’s a conundrum.

STAN
Yeh, right.

STU
I heard he’s a real...what’s the word?

PATRICK
Prick?

STU
Yah. A real prick. Sits in a dark room. Doesn’t say much. A friend of mine told me he’s a member of MENSA. Uses telepathy to order his subordinates around.

PATRICK
Maybe that’s why he doesn’t say much.

STAN
I’m sure. Get any messages from The Chairman lately, Stu?

STU
Nope. Nothing.

STAN
Well, if ever had a face-to-face with The Chairman –

PATRICK
You would do what?

STAN
I don’t know but I’m sure I’d think of something.


PATRICK
Better be careful what you wish for, Stan. You’re one of only two smokers left – if I were The Chairman, I’d be thinking it’s time for the big guns, if you know what I mean.

STAN
Do I look scared?

PATRICK
I still say your flaunting’s getting you in deep shit.

STAN
What am I flaunting?! When have you ever heard me mock the government – or SPONGE, for that matter? When have you heard me do an interview on TV or seen me quoted in the paper? I’ve gone out of my way to avoid the spotlight. I was given an option and I decided against it. It’s not rocket science, Patrick.

STU
Did you know that there’s no such thing as a "rocket scientist"? There are aerospace engineers, chemical engineers, mechanical engineers, electrical engineers, chemists, physicists, and other people who work on the design and theory of rocket propulsion – but no rocket scientists.

STAN
(To PATRICK.)
Now you know why I smoke.

PATRICK
Stu? He’s a poor excuse.

STAN
Look who’s talking.

PATRICK
And that’s supposed to mean...

STAN
As soon as you got your greedy little hands on the government’s incentive cash you threw away a perfectly worthwhile life, do you realize that? You had a wonderful wife -

STU
Justine.

STAN
(Aside.)
Thank you, Stu.

PATRICK
We need to find you someone like Justine, Stan.

STU
With the personality of Justine.

PATRICK
She had a helluva personality. I wonder what she’s up to.

STAN
I’m quite capable of finding my own girlfriends, thank you and let me finish.
(Beat. To PATRICK.)
You quit your job in advertising – that was the job you had to have when we were in college, remember?

PATRICK
I never said I was gonna stay in advertising forever. Besides, it frees me up for other things.

STAN
Other things? Enlighten me with all your “irons in the fire”.

PATRICK
I have several, for your information. Won’t be long before you see a “new and improved Patrick”, thank you.
(Pause)
I don’t see you ripping Stu a new asshole. He doesn’t have a real job.

STU
I do to.

PATRICK
You collect scrap metal and sell it to recyclers. That’s not a job – it’s a...you’re a fucking tinker, for Christ’s sake.

STU
I prefer the word “traveller”

STAN
Except that you don’t travel.

STU
Exactly.

STAN
Will this “new and improved Patrick” be following a fitness regimen?

PATRICK
What’s that supposed to mean?

STAN
Just that you’ve gained, oh-h, I don’t know – maybe twenty pounds in the last two years?

PATRICK
Come on, Stan...it’s about how I feel inside – that’s what’s important.
(Beat)
Besides, I wear it well. Don’t I, Stu?

STU
You’ve always had that double chin.

PATRICK
I have not. You’re not exactly a rail.

STU
I never said I was.

PATRICK
So I’ve got a double chin. I’ll take a palates class. Other than that –

STAN
‘Other than that’ what? You have no job. Your wife left you. Your children won’t talk to you. And you’ve gotten fat.

PATRICK
But I’m wealthy. And my children will talk to me – as soon as I find out where Justine fled to.

STU
And I’m wealthy. Lotta wealthy folk running around the world today because of the government, Stan.

STAN
There’s a switch.

PATRICK
You could have what we have, Stan.

STU
Yeh, Stan. If you just gave up smoking, you could be just like us.

STAN
Two, unemployed, divorced, fat men?

PATRICK
Wealthy...

STU
...unemployed, divorced fat men.

PATRICK
It’s not all that bad, Stanny. It’s healthier, for one. You get paid a lot of money to quit. And if you start having a nicotine fit, you throw a lollipop in your mouth. Work’s for Stewart and I, isn’t that right, Stewart?

STU
It do.

STAN
Has either of you considered what SPONGE has turned you into?

PATRICK
You lost me, Stan.

STAN
(Sets his paper down.)
You’re morons. All you guys do is sit around and talk about nothing and then expect me to take an interest in it. And if neither of you said a word – which wouldn’t be a bad thing – you’d be swept into a dustpan and thrown out with the garbage.

PATRICK
Name-calling will get you no –

STAN
(Abruptly.)
Stu here can recite the “Gettysburg Address” forwards and backwards while deliberating ad nauseum the premise that if Martin Luther King would’ve used that speech instead of his “I Have A Dream” speech, blacks would no longer be discriminated against because they would’ve, in fact, been freed – twice.
(Beat)
I have no idea what I just said.

STU
The point to that speech –

STAN
(Raising his hand to stop STU mid-sentence.)
But ask him to nail two pieces of wood together and he goes apeshit because he doesn’t know which piece of wood he should nail first.

STU
Like I’m the only one.

PATRICK
(Overlapping)
And me?

STAN
You’re a sarcastic, rude, know-it-all with a mouth like a sewer.
(Thinking.)‘Course you’ve been a sarcastic, rude, know-it-all –

STU
(Interrupting.)- with a mouth like a sewer.

STAN
- for as long as I’ve known you, so I guess you always were a moron, Patrick.

(STAN goes back to reading his paper. STU starts rubbing his neck.)

PATRICK
Thanks for the sentiment, Stan.

STU
Patrick, my sensor chip’s starting to throb again.

PATRICK
(Matter-of-factly.)
It’ll go away, Stu. It always does.

STAN
There’s another thing. How long’s it been since the government said it would fix the kinks in that sensor chip, huh?

PATRICK
It’s being looked into.
(Beat)
Don’t you see how bitter your frustration has made you, Stan? If you’d just consider the government’s incentive program – I mean really considered it – you’d be a happier person. And nicer to Stewart and I.

STAN
I am nice to both of you – and no I wouldn’t.

PATRICK
Yes you would.

STAN
Nope.

PATRICK
Yep. You would.

STAN
Patrick –

PATRICK
Fine.

(PATRICK goes back to reading his paper.)

STAN
(Pause. Puts his paper down.)
All I’m saying is that I have reservations about a smoking incentive that, in the end, has an adverse effect on the very people it’s supposedly trying to help. You wanna quit? Quit on your own, without the government sticking it’s nose where it doesn’t belong. Be honest, Patrick – is the money really worth everything you’ve lost?
(Goes back to reading the paper.)
I’m not convinced.

PATRICK
You don’t have to be. Only I have to be.

STAN
That’s good. Keep kidding yourselves.

(Silence.)

STU
Aeolian sounds (PRONOUNCED, “E-OLIAN”).
(Pause. PATRICK and STAN put their papers down and stare at STU.)
They’re the sounds produced by the action or effect of the wind...like the humming of wires, the whispering of pine trees or the rustle of leaves down the sidewalk. That’s my favorite weather word. Aeolian sounds.

PATRICK
I thought Aeolians were the Greek peoples that settled the island of Lesbos?

STU
They were. I said Aeolian sounds, not Aeolians.

PATRICK
Uh-huh.

(STAN and PATRICK go back to reading their papers. Pause.)

STU
I also like the word, giblets (PRONOUNCED, “JIBLETS”). Or is it, giblets (PRONOUNCED, “GIBLETS”)?
(Beat)
Ever notice how words start to sound different when you say them repetitiously? Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets. It sounds different to me.
(Beat)
Or like the word, gefilte fish (PRONOUNCED, “GE-FEL-TA”). It’s Yiddish for a Jewish fish dish. All you gotta do is say the word and you sound like an old Jewish guy. Gefilte fish. Old Jewish guy, right? Say it with me. Gefilte fish. Come on.

STAN
Promise to shut up if we do?

STU
Yeh.

(STAN and PATRICK look at each other, then put their papers down.)

ALL
Gefilte fish.

STU
(SLOW FADE on lights.)
See. We sound like three old Jewish guys.
(STAN and PATRICK go back to reading their papers. Pause.)
Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets.
(Pause)
Giblets.
(Beat)
Giblets. Jiblets. Giblets. Jiblets. Gefilte fish. Gefilte fish. Gefilte fish...

(BLACKOUT.)


ACT I, SCENE II

(Thursday evening. The grocery store. LIGHTS FADE UP. A woman is picking through vegetables in the produce section. STAN enters the scene and grabs a small shopping basket on the way in. When the lights reach their maximum level, STAN is in place - browsing in the produce section. He notices the woman and approaches her.)

STAN
You know – that’s kohlrabi (PRONOUNCED, “KUL-A-ROB-E”).
That vegetable you’re holding.

AUBREY
That’s nice.

(She continues down the aisle.)

STAN
Hold up a second. Hold on. You’re supposed to say, “what’s that?”

AUBREY
I said, ‘that’s nice’. Why would I say, ‘what’s that?’?

STAN
I don’t know. ‘Cause you looked...confused?

AUBREY
(Holding up the kohlrabi.)
Fine. “What’s that?’.

STAN
It’s a vegetable in the cabbage family.

AUBREY
Aren’t the cabbage excited. What does it taste like?

STAN
It tastes like, um...huh. I’m not exactly sure how to describe the it. I know it’s nothing like chicken though.

AUBREY
OK.

STAN
Personally, I like to eat it raw, with veggie dip...and salt. Or you can cook it like you would cauliflower, throw it in a salad – however you like. I spent a lot of time as a kid on my grandparent’s farm. I know these things.

AUBREY
Any other vegetable recommendations?

STAN
I’m thinking.

AUBREY
Well...thanks.

(She drops the kohlrabi in her cart, smiles and continues down the aisle. STAN runs after her.)

STAN
So...you...come here often?

AUBREY
If I were you, I’d stick with the vegetable schtick.

(STAN grabs a rutabaga.)

STAN
How ‘bout a rutabaga?

AUBREY
No thanks.
(She continues down the aisle.)
You still here?

STAN
Hadn’t planned on going anywhere. You?

AUBREY
Got a name or should I just call you “rutabaga man”?

STAN
(STAN tosses the rutabaga into AUBREY’S cart and holds out his hand.)
Stan.










Read more!

A Daisy in Irving Park

© Copyright 2007 Jeffrey James Ircink Read more!

"Chromosome 21"

Joshua Cinrik is about to celebrate his 21st birthday on his terms – warts and all.

Joshua has Down Syndrome (DS) and lives at home with his mother, Doris. Compared to others with DS, Joshua functions at a level somewhere in the mid-range as it relates to his verbal, social and cognitive skills. He works at Wal~Mart, volunteers at the local recreation center, and loves to sing and play the guitar – a passion he acquired from his father, Roger, a jazz guitarist, who abandoned the family when Joshua was 10 and has not been seen or heard since. Living a life compounded with DS presents a unique set of circumstances for Joshua. Not unlike most children, Joshua confides in a make-believe friend, “Del Rey”, a hefty, black, street musician. Del Rey mentors and advises Joshua on music and life, while providing an unconditional ear for Joshua to vent to.

Joshua’s older brother, Eric, is devoted to Joshua. Having taken a year off his senior year in college to help at home after his father left, Eric’s resentment toward his father’s abrupt departure is deep-seated, though he hides his hatred by immersing himself in his work.

As Joshua’s 21th birthday nears, Doris decides to throw a surprise party. Out of the blue, she receives a phone call from Roger, who invites himself to the party with the hope of re-establishing a relationship with Joshua. Eric is incensed upon hearing this news, but Doris is insistent that Roger’s visit is for Joshua’s sake, though she is unsure as to Joshua’s reaction upon seeing his father. As anticipated, Joshua’s birthday party is memorable on a number of fronts. Eric gets drunk and loses his temper; Roger never loses sight of his mission to reconnect with Joshua; Doris maintains her dignity and composure throughout an evening that is far from “normal”. And Joshua – he treats his father like he would treat anyone else – with compassion and forgiveness. The way he would want to be treated.

In the finale scene, we witness Joshua’s actual 21st birthday party – one in which he and Doris are the sole guests. The “family reunion birthday party” was an elaborate scenario constructed from Joshua’s imagination. His father never returns and Eric committed suicide 10 years prior, having broken down from the loss of his father and the pressures of being both a father and brother to Joshua. The “reunion” was Joshua’s glimpse into what his “ideal world” might look like.

FULL-LENGTH (4M, 1W)

"I read the play on a jet to Kansas City and loved it. I think DS is represented very well." Gail Williamson, President, Down Syndrome Association of Los Angeles.

"...very engaging, and the way you handle the interactions between people with mental handicaps and those around them was quite intriguing..." – Timothy O'Neal, Westport Playhouse, Connecticut.

"Outstanding." – Ed Hale, personal friend in Wisconsin whose son has Down Syndrome.

*Official entrant = Playwrights First, MILDRED and ALBERT PANOWSKI Playwriting Award, Playwrights First, May 2008. Stray Dawg/Belfast, Ireland, Charter Theatre

CHROMOSOME 21

A Play in Two Acts
by
Jeffrey James Ircink

© Copyright 2005, Jeffrey James Ircink
4745 saint nicholas avenue
culver city, ca 90230
c: (262) 806-2808
weakknees@gbpackersfan.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://jeffircink.blogspot.com
July 2007

Dedication page
To my brother’s dog, Molly, the
American Water spaniel.

And to everyone who ever felt like a
square peg in a round world.

Our time will come.

Cast of Characters

JOSHUA CINRIK: 20 - JOSHUA has Down Syndrome (DS) and ranks in the middle tier as it relates to his intelligence, motor skills, hearing, vision, etc. He works full-time at Wal-Mart and lives at home with his mother, DORIS. He loves to play the guitar and sing and has quite the imagination. When he is alone with DEL-REY, he appears “normal” – void of any of the characteristics associated with Down Syndrome.

DORIS CINRIK: 57 - JOSHUA’S mother – DORIS has raised JOSHUA and ERIC by herself for 11 years, while holding down a full-time job as a ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­false teeth ceramist. She’s a busy-body, very down-to-earth and blunt. She draws a fine line between doting on JOSHUA and recognizing his independence (think ANGELA LANDSBURY in the movie, “Blue Hawaii”).

ERIC CINRIK: 31 - JOSHUA’S brother - ERIC is the creative director for an advertising agency. ERIC and JOSHUA are very close and he is extremely protective of JOSHUA, working hard to treat JOSHUA as if he had no disability. ERIC is resentful that his father abandoned the family, not only because he lost his father, but also because he was forced into a position of taking care of his family while he was in college. Has a sarcastic sense of humor and is an avid triathlete (think JAMES SPADER).

ROGER CINRIK: 59 - JOSHUA’S father – ROGER is a professional guitarist whose bohemian lifestyle caused him to be on the road throughout much of his marriage. His inability to cope with the responsibilities of raising a child with DS – and his traveling - took its toll and he abandoned his family when JOSHUA was 10. He’s never really been able to shed the guilt and has finally gathered the courage to go home and face his demons. Big in stature - salt-of-the-earth, simple. quiet man (think SAM ELLIOT or JAMES GAMMON).

DEL-REY: 50-70 - JOSHUA’S make-believe friend; a rotund, black man-of-the-streets who plays blues guitar and acts as a mentor to JOSHUA. DEL-REY appears only when JOSHUA is alone, though he sometimes makes his presence known by quietly sitting in the corner and observing. (NOTE: If no African-American actor is available, you may substitute a Caucasian “blues man” from the South. “Rotund” is just a guideline.)


SCENE:

A Midwest town in the United States.

TIME:

The present.

(All scenes take place in the Cinrick home
unless otherwise noted.)


Act I

scene i Sunday evening.
Scene ii Monday morning.
scene iii Monday. Later that morning. Wal~Mart.
scene iv Tuesday evening.
scene v Friday afternoon.
scene vi Saturday evening.

Act II

scene i Saturday evening.
scene ii Saturday evening.
scene iii The next day.

Author’s Note:
Joshua’s speech patterns and physical attributes will vary depending on to whom he’s talking. This is extremely important so that the audience can make the distinction between Joshua’s real world and the world his imagination creates. If Joshua can be heard by anyone other than Del-Rey, he speaks with a speech impediment. When he’s alone - speaking to Del-Rey – this is the state in which Joshua views and sees himself...a world where his is “just like everyone else”. Through the perfect world of his imagination, the audience has a deeper understanding of Joshua’s thought processes unencumbered by his DS.

There are instances where Del-Rey serves as a “witness” – observing events as they unfold – but only when Joshua is present. Del-Rey represents a “normal” Joshua, studying the “abnormal” events occurring within Joshua’s reality.

At various points in the play, JOSHUA, DEL REY and ROGER play the guitar. The expertise with which the actors play the guitar will vary on the actors. At the very least, they should learn to play the basic chords to the songs – and “fake it”. Even DEL REY and ROGER, who are proficient guitar players, can just play chords and that approach will work in each scene.

Additionally, for music between scenes beginning at the end of ACT I, SCENE IV, use the instrumental music from the song, Velvet, which appears at the end of the play. In this way, the audience can following along with Joshua’s progress as he constructs his song, or “assignment”, given to him by Del-Rey. The melody to Del-Rey’s Lament = pick any blues melody and apply.


ACT I, SCENE I

(Sunday evening. JOSHUA’S bedroom. Over the loudspeaker, a recording is heard of JOSHUA CINRIK, 20, playing his guitar and singing, *“Big Rock Candy Mountain” - with his speech impediment. JOSHUA is dressed in his work clothes – white golf shirt, dark pants, tennis shoes, prescription glasses with thick lens and a blue Wal~Mart vest with plastic name tag, big yellow smiley face and “Good Job” pins. With his back turned slightly on an angle toward the audience, he practices his greeting speech in front of a double-wide, full-length mirror. JOSHUA’S mother, DORIS CINRIK, 57, is in the living room talking on the phone. The recording fades as JOSHUA is heard practicing – with his speech impediment. The lights dim back and forth between each scene.)

JOSHUA
Hello. Welcome to Wal~Mart. Is there something I can help you find? Would you like a flyer with today’s store specials? There you go. Enjoy your visit to Wal~Mart. Hello. Welcome to Wal~Mart. Is there something I can help you find? Enjoy your vis - oh, here’s a flyer with today’s store specials. Enjoy your visit to Wal~Mart. Thanks for stopping by. Hello. Welcome to Wal~Mart. Is there something...

DORIS
(Loudly, on the phone. JOSHUA can still be heard in the background.)
I told you, Estelle, you plant daffodil and tulip bulbs in the fall to bloom in the spring. Read your Burpees™ magazine. Daddy used to say, ‘Think tulips – Easter. Easter – Spring. Spring bulbs in winter.’ Oh-h he always said that. We did ours already. Joshua helped. He’s so wonderful in the garden- very meticulous. I mean the spacing between the bulbs is perfect. Everything’s fine, Estelle...

JOSHUA
(Doing the Wal~Mart cheer.)
Gimme a “W”! “W”! Gimme an “A”! “A”! Gimme an “L”! “L”! Gimme a squiggly!
(He bends over and wiggles his posterior.)
Squiggly! Gimme an “M”! “M”! Gimme an “A”! “A”! Gimme an “R”! “R”! Gimme a “T”! “T”! What does it spell?! “WAL~MART”! Who’s #1?! The customer...always...Uh!

(JOSHUA vocalizes people cheering.)

DORIS
(On the phone.)
What’s that? That’s Joshua - he practices his greeting speech every Sunday evening in front of the mirror. No – just Sundays. He says he needs to be refreshed should they ask him to fill in greeting people at the door. What? It’s some cheer they do. Oh-h he stocks shelves, mops...whatever they need him to do. What’s that? Of course he can cashier, Estelle – he’s not retarded...

JOSHUA
Hello. Welcome to Wal~Mart. Is there something I -
(He stops and stares at his reflection in the mirror. Children and adult voices are heard giggling and whispering over the loudspeaker – voices JOSHUA is hearing in his head. He studies his face and touches it. Without his speech impediment.)
Why don’t I look like everyone else? What’s wrong with me? Everything about me is wrong - my face, my eyes, my body. It’s not fair. Why did this happen to me? Why not someone else? I see people staring at me - at the way I look, the way I act.
(Beat)
I don’t feel any different on the inside.
(Beat)
I know what they’re thinking. They think I’m retarded. I can hear what they’re whispering.
(Beat)
All I want is to be treated like everyone else.

(As he continues studying himself in the mirror, an audiotape is heard of people making comments as if toward JOSHUA. The comments overlap slightly.)

GIRL
Why do you look like that, Joshua?

BOY
What’s wrong with you, Joshua?

ADULT MALE
Stay away from him.

GIRL
What are you looking at?

BOY
Joshua, are you retarded?

ADULT FEMALE
I don’t want him around my children.

BOY
We don’t want to play with you.

GIRL
Joshua, no!

BOY
Get out of here!

GIRL
Don’t, Joshua.

ADULT MALE
I’m sorry but we can’t have you work here.

(JOSHUA covers his ears.)

GIRL
Get away from me!

ADULT FEMALE
Joshua, no!

CHILDREN
Joshua, no!

ALL VOICES
No, Joshua!!

JOSHUA
(Defiantly, with his speech impediment.)
JOSHUA NO!!
(The voices abruptly stop. Without his speech impediment.)
All I want is to be treated like everyone else.

DORIS
Joshua!

(SPOTLIGHT FADES UP on DEL-REY, JOSHUA’S make-believe friend, who is sitting on a stool in the corner of the room. He’s a hefty, black street musician who plays for change in the streets. He has a tin cup for spare change, a backpack and sleeping bag.)


DEL-REY
It’s the voices again, ain’t it?

JOSHUA
Someday’s they’re louder. What are you doing here, Del-Rey?

DEL-REY
I’m always here.
(Rising.)
I can leave if you want me to?

JOSHUA
No – stay.
(Beat)
My 21st birthday’s coming up.

DEL-REY
Shor’e is. Lordy...ben a long time since I was 21. Uh-huh. Dem’s was da times, dat’s for shor’e...from what I remember.

JOSHUA
I guess I should feel lucky to hit 21.

DEL-REY
Luck had nothin’ to do wit it. Joshua. You a survivor. Hell, der’s people all over da world in da same condition as you living longer lives. Times has changed, thank da Lord for dat.

JOSHUA
Then why do I feel like I’m a square peg in a round world?

DEL-REY
Dat’s ‘cause you are – in a way. We’s all tryin’ to fit in somewhere, Joshua.

(Pause. DORIS rises from the couch and goes over to JOSHUA’S door. DEL-REY puts his finger to his lips to quiet JOSHUA. DORIS knocks and as soon as the door opens, the SPOTLIGHT FADES on DEL-REY.)

DORIS
Time for bed.

JOSHUA
(With speech impediment.)
I’m going.

(DORIS closes the door and the SPOTLIGHT FADES UP on DEL-REY.)

DEL-REY
Ya outta be careful wit yor momma ‘round. She gonna think yor’ crazy for talkin’ to yor’self.

JOSHUA
(Without speech impediment.)
But I’m not talking myself. I’m talking to you.

DEL-REY
Like I said...she gonna think yor’ crazy.

(Pause.)

JOSHUA
Did you know that the 21st chromosome – the one that made me the way I am - is a misnomer? It should’ve been called, “Chromosome 22”.

DEL-REY
I did not know that. And I do not know what a misnomer is either.

JOSHUA
Yeh. Chromosomes are numbered from largest to smallest. The
Down Syndrome chromosome is the smallest.
(Beat)
It should’ve been numbered 22.
(Beat)
I wish my family was all together. Maybe things would be different. Or at least a bit easier for me.

DEL-REY
Nuthin’ mor’ important den family.
(Beat)
Tell ya what – how ‘bout I wave my magic gui-tar and den you’ll be able to wish fo’ anythin’ you want.

JOSHUA
If you had a magic wand you wouldn’t be playing for quarters on the street corner.

DEL-REY
Touche, Joshua. Touche. But ya do have some magic right up here.
(Points to his own head.)
Anythin’ can happen as long as ya got your imagination...and dat surely is intact.

JOSHUA
I suppose.

DORIS
Joshua?! What’s going on in there?!

JOSHUA
(To DORIS, with speech impediment.)
WHAT?!
(To DEL-REY, without speech impediment.)
I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.

DEL-REY
I’ll be here.
(Beat)
Da day you lose yo’ imagination, Joshua, is da day you ain’t long for dis world. You remember dat.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES on DEL-REY.)

DORIS
Joshua?!
(Yelling into the phone.)
How’s your hip coming along? Yeh? What’s more important – your hip or the flower beds? Estelle, I have to go. I think Joshua’s finishing up and I’ve got to get him into bed. Well just dig’em up and start from scratch. OK. I’ll talk to you later. And stay off your feet! B-bye.
(Hanging up the phone.)
Joshua! Come out here for a second!
(Beat)
JOSHUA! Come here!
(JOSHUA enters the living room.)
What are you doing in there?

JOSHUA
(With speech impediment.)
Nothing.

DORIS
What’s with all the screaming?

JOSHUA
I was practicing my speech.

DORIS
I know you were practicing your speech. Why were you screaming?

JOSHUA
I don’t know. I’m tired.

DORIS
It’s late – you need to get ready for bed. Wait a second. Come sit by me.
(JOSHUA sits down on the couch and lays his head on DORIS’ shoulder.)
Your Aunt Estelle says, ‘Hello’. That was her on the phone.

JOSHUA
I know – I heard you yelling at her from my room. How’s her arm?

DORIS
It’s her hip and she’s doing fine. And I yell at her ‘cause she’s going deaf. Did you put your dirty clothes in the laundry hamper – the ones you were wearing when we were digging in the flower garden?

JOSHUA
Yes.

DORIS
What about that bicycle that’s lying all over the sidewalk out front? Did you clean it up like I asked you to?

JOSHUA
Yes.

DORIS
No you did not - I just checked. Who told you to take it apart like that?

JOSHUA
I was fixing it.

DORIS
It’s in a million pieces.

JOSHUA
I’ll put it together tomorrow.

DORIS
Someone’s gonna trip over it and break their neck and sue us for everything we don’t have.

JOSHUA
I’ll pick it up tomorrow.

DORIS
You better pick it up tomorrow.
(Beat)
Why are you dressed in your work clothes?

JOSHUA
I was practicing my cheer.

DORIS
In your work clothes?

JOSHUA
How can I practice my work cheer if I’m not in my work clothes?

DORIS
(Beat – not understanding JOSHUA’S logic.)
Now listen to me for a second. Are you listening to me? You know your birthday’s coming up in a few days.

JOSHUA
I know. I’m gonna be 21.

DORIS
That’s a big deal - 21. It means you’re officially an “adult”.

JOSHUA
I know. I’m gonna be a man.

DORIS
Yes you are. Now, I was thinking maybe we could have a little something to cele–
(Stops herself, not wanting to give her party plans away just yet. Beat.)
Did you know that I love you very much?

JOSHUA
I love you, too. I’m gonna be 21.

(Pause.)

DORIS
21. Where did all the years go? Can you believe there are days when I wish I could go back...to when you were just a little boy? We managed to get through it pretty well though - these last 10 years, didn’t we...you and I?

JOSHUA
Yep.
(Beat)
Tell me a story.

DORIS
Aren’t you getting too old for my stories?

JOSHUA
Nope.

DORIS
OK. Which one would you like to hear?

JOSHUA
The one about Joshua.

DORIS
Oh you’ve heard that story a million times. How about a different story? How about -

JOSHUA
I wanna hear about Joshua and the lady.

DORIS
Fine.
(Beat. From memory.)‘There once was a boy named Joshua who lived a long, long time ago in a little thatched cottage in Ireland and he took care of his sheep and lambs and chickens and he fished in the stream that ran right along his home and –

JOSHUA
What about the girl?

DORIS
- and he lived in his cottage with a beautiful girl named Ceartha (PRONOUNCED, “KEE-RHA”) whom he loved more than life itself. And the world they lived in was an idyllic one – no wars or fighting or sickness. Everyone lived in peace and was happy. Joshua and his lovely Ceartha would often sit in front of the fireplace drinking tea and eating scones with raspberry jam and goat cheese and Joshua would spin fantastic stories of ancient knights and the lands they lived in. The escorts who accompanied the knights on their journeys would ride out in front holding brilliantly colored banners proclaiming who the knights were and where they were from. And bringing up the rear were bagpipers and buglers and dancers and magicians and servants who entertained the cavalcade as the knights journeyed throughout the countryside and in search of adventure and treasure. Oh - and the knights rode upon gallant steeds that were ten hands high and as beautifully adorned as the knights. Now, after their adventures, the knights would return home, weary from –
(Beat)
Joshua?
(JOSHUA’S asleep. DORIS grabs a blanket and covers him up.)
Yes, Joshua, you are going to be a man. But you’ll always be my baby.

(END OF SCENE.)

ACT I, SCENE II

(Monday morning. DORIS is in the kitchen preparing breakfast. JOSHUA is in his room.)

DORIS
Joshua? Are you ready for breakfast?

JOSHUA
Yes!

(He exits his bedroom with a tattered briefcase in tow and sits down at the kitchen table.)


DORIS
(Holding up two boxes of cereal.)
Raisin Bran or Captain Crunch?

JOSHUA
Um-m...Captain Crunch.
(DORIS sets the Captain Crunch and a bowl in front of JOSHUA and turns away.)
And Raisin Bran.
(DORIS turns back and sets the Raisin Bran down. JOSHUA pours it into his bowl, followed by milk.)
I like them both mixed together.

DORIS
Anything else?

JOSHUA
The business section, please.
(DORIS grabs the morning newspaper, rifles through it and pulls the business section out. She hands it to JOSHUA who opens it to the business section.)
Jesus, Mary and Josephine!

DORIS
Joshua...you know I don’t like that sort of talk.

JOSHUA
My Wal~Mart stock is up two points! I made...$30 dollars and I haven’t even left the house yet!

DORIS
Good for you.

JOSHUA
I have to eat first then I have to go to work.

DORIS
I know you have to go to work. Speaking of work - no more getting dressed in your work clothes the night before. You’re getting too big for me to change you. You’re gonna be 21, after all.

JOSHUA
I’m gonna be a man!

(The kitchen door opens and ERIC CINRIK – 31, enters.)

ERIC
(In an Irish brogue.)‘And a fine man, ‘tis he!’

JOSHUA
Heya, Eric!

ERIC
Morning, brother. Mother.

(ERIC gives DORIS a kiss and then puts his hand up for JOSHUA to give him a high-five.)

DORIS
Morning. What are you doing here?

ERIC
I’m meeting a client at Harvey’s Griddle and -
(Seeing the breakfast spread on the counter.)- o-o-o, cinnamon raisin bagels.
(He grabs a couple bagels, starts spreading cream cheese on them and pours himself a glass of orange juice.)
Big week, this week.
(Looking at JOSHUA.)
Big week for everybody.

DORIS
I thought you’re training for a triathlon?

ERIC
Carbs, baby.

DORIS
What does that mean, ‘carbs, baby’?

JOSHUA
Energy!

ERIC
Exactly. Carbohydrates provide energy. While I’m training, I burn through carbs quickly, so I need to replenish my body with more...

(ERIC looks at JOSHUA.)

JOSHUA
ENERGY! Where’s your race?

ERIC
St. Louis – in two months. Mile and a half swim, 40 mile bike and 10 mile run. Wanna come along and be my cheering section?

JOSHUA
That would be cool!

ERIC
Good. That makes three: you, me and Bianchi Freccia (PRONOUNCED, “FRAY-ZSCHA).

DORIS
You talk about that bicycle as if it’s a living, breathing thing, for heaven’s sake.

ERIC
That’s because it is. I’m in love with her – my Bianchi.

DORIS
You know Harvey just finished remodeling the entire inside of the Griddle.

ERIC
I know - I saw the new signage out front.
(Effeminately.)
I’m very excited to see what he’s done with the place.

DORIS
He’s doing rather well for himself these days.

ERIC
Yah - he got divorced.

DORIS
What difference does that make? He hardly ever spent a minute with his wife.

ERIC
He didn’t need to spend any time with her – she was having an affair with the soup guy down the street.

DORIS
Jimmy Dee?

(ERIC nods.)

JOSHUA
Jimmy Dee makes good soup.

ERIC
That’s not all Jimmy Dee makes these days. He and Mrs. Harvey have a bun in the oven.

(DORIS runs over and places her hands over JOSHUA’S ears.)

DORIS
No-o-o!

ERIC
From Harvey’s lips to God’s ears.

JOSHUA
(Yelling.)
How’s the advertising business, Eric?!

ERIC
A bitch, Joshua. It’s a -

DORIS
Eric.

ERIC
How’s work at Wal~Mart?

JOSHUA
A bitch.

DORIS
(To ERIC.)
You see. You love your job at Wal~Mart, don’t you, Joshua?

JOSHUA
Uh-huh.

ERIC
I’m just saying any job’s a bitch as long as you’re working for “the man”, isn’t that right, Josh?

JOSHUA
You mean, Mr. Wal~Mart? I haven’t met him yet.

DORIS
Aren’t you considered “the man” now – with your new creative director position and all?

ERIC
(To DORIS.)
I still have to answer to three partners.
(Beat)
A half-man, maybe.
(To JOSHUA.)
No, Joshua...”the Man”. Corporate America. The guys in suits you and I address as, ‘Yes, sir’. ‘No, sir’. ‘I’ll get that for you right away, sir’.
(He pushes the paper down out of JOSHUA’S face.)
The guys who look like this.

(ERIC makes a face.)

JOSHUA
Oh, yeh. That’s Harold. He’s head of maintenance. He doesn’t wear a suit though. He walks around with his head up his ass.

DORIS
Joshua! Who did you hear that from?!

JOSHUA
Eric...

ERIC
(Overlapping)
What?

JOSHUA
(Overlapping)
...and some of the guys at work. That’s the reason Harold makes those faces, right?

ERIC
Having one’s “head up his ass”, Joshua, is a saying. It means that Harold is incompetent - that he doesn’t perform his job well.

JOSHUA
I think he’s a good boss.

DORIS
Those men shouldn’t talk like that around you. People like that are a bad influence and can only mean trouble.

ERIC
Mother - it’s guys talking.

DORIS
I don’t care. Harold’s nice to you, isn’t he, Joshua?

JOSHUA
Yes. He says he likes to keep an eye on me for my own good.

DORIS
Well that’s very nice of him.
(To ERIC.)
And don’t come in here spouting off about Corporate America and “the man” and using foul language in front of your brother. He repeats everything he hears.
(Watching ERIC eat.)
Aren’t you gonna spoil your breakfast?

ERIC
Probably.

JOSHUA
Who you meeting with?

ERIC
Charles Bouvier (PRONOUNCED, “BOO-VEE-AY”).

JOSHUA
He’s the Donut King. I eat his donuts all the time.

ERIC
He fired his current ad agency and Jackson, Schultz and Jeanpierre is gonna pitch’em.

DORIS
Pitch’em?

ERIC
Yeh – pitch’em. Try and get his business. And if we win the account, it’s worth $10 million dollars to the agency of record and it’ll be my responsibility to turn the Donut King into the Supreme Donut Ruler of the Universe - which is maybe why I’m a bit testy this morning, Mother.
(Noticing JOSHUA’S reading the business section.)
We up or down this morning, Josh?

JOSHUA
(His eyes still in the paper.)
Up two points. I made $30 bucks.

ERIC
Way to go.
(Sits next to JOSHUA.)
Care for a little business advice, brother?

JOSHUA
OK.

ERIC
Expect nothing. That way you won’t be disappointed.

DORIS
What kind of advice is that to give your brother?

ERIC
(To DORIS.)
Sound Irish advice.
(To JOSHUA.)“Cinrik’s” Irish, you know. Ever seen an unhappy Irishman? Never - happy as clams, the Irish. Why? ‘Cause they’re realists, which is what you need to be. So, tomorrow morning, you jump out of bed and find out your stock dropped. Dejected, you walk around work with your head up your ass –
(To DORIS.)- Joshua’s words –
(To JOSHUA.)- do something stupid and end up on Harold’s shit list. Is that how you wanna start out your workweek?

JOSHUA
No.

ERIC
I didn’t think so.

DORIS
(Overlapping)
Don’t scare him like that, Eric – and please don’t use the word, “stupid”.

ERIC
Sorry, Joshua. Now, if you take your elder brother’s advice, either your stock drops but you weren’t expecting anything, so your day’s a wash, or you gain two points, make $30 bucks and you’re set for the day. Either way, you weren’t expecting anything so you’re ahead of the game. Capishe?

JOSHUA
I’d like more cereal, please.

ERIC
Joshua, did you heard a word I said?

DORIS
He would if you spoke English.

JOSHUA
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch?

ERIC
(To DORIS.)
See? So...Joshua. The big 2-1’s coming up, eh?

JOSHUA
Yep. I’m gonna be a man.

ERIC
21’s a big day for the Cinrik men. In Gaelic, it’s the day of the “teachd” (PRONOUNCED, “TAWKT”) – which means, “the arrival”.

JOSHUA
What have I arrived at?

ERIC
Umm – manhood, I guess? Being a man - you know, like you keep saying, ‘I’m a man’. It’s a rite of passage. Like a Jewish bar mitzvah.
(Beat)
And you get to legally smoke, drink and go strip clubs.

DORIS
Don’t tell him that, for Christ’s sake, Eric! I don’t want Joshua drinking and lighting up at strip clubs!

ERIC
Mother, he’s gonna be 21. You can’t keep him sheltered forever.

DORIS
I understand that. But being an adult isn’t an automatic passport to a gentlemen’s club. It’s very serious business, especially with Joshua.

ERIC
(To JOSHUA.)
How’s the guitar strumming coming along?

JOSHUA
(Pouring more cereal and milk.)
I learned a new song. Wanna hear it?

DORIS
Joshua, we don’t have time for that right now.

ERIC
What’s the song?

JOSHUA
“Big Rock” –

ERIC
“Big Rock Candy Mountain”? You know, Joshua, maybe it’s time you learned a new song. I mean, don’t you get sick of playing “Big Rock Candy Mountain” over and over and over again?
(Turning to DORIS.)
He’s been playing that song since...

(DORIS motions to ERIC to stop.)

JOSHUA
It’s my favorite song to play.

ERIC
It’s the only song you play.

DORIS
(Yells.)
He likes the song!

ERIC
It’s a great song. I mean - I like...chocolate, too, but if that’s all I ever ate I’d throw up and my teeth would fall out. Is that what you want - for all your teeth to fall out of your mouth?

JOSHUA
My teeth can’t fall out from playing “Big Rock Candy Mountain”, will they, Mom?.

DORIS
No, Joshua. Eric’s funning with you.
(To ERIC.)
There is nothing wrong with Joshua’s teeth. If there were, I’d make him a new set.

ERIC
Who’d a thunk having a false teeth ceramist for a mother would be so convenient? So, Josh, seeing as you’re the donut connoisseur of the family, any words of wisdom before I meet with Mr. Bouvier?
(JOSHUA continues eating.)
Joshua – is there anything you think I should tell the Donut King about his donuts that would make more people buy them?

JOSHUA
Sell them for free.

ERIC
OK, but what do you think I should say in the ads to get more people to come into his stores?

JOSHUA
When I eat my donut I don’t think about anything else. Just how good the custard tastes.

ERIC
“Donuts that make you forget about life”. “The donut you can’t have enough of”. How ‘bout...“The donuts Joshua likes”?

JOSHUA
I like that one. Maybe you can use my picture in your ads.

ERIC
Maybe I will. You’d have to sign a release though.

JOSHUA
OK – after you pay me.

ERIC
Did you hear that, Ma? The world of stocks and speculative trading is turning your son into a first-class capitalist shark.
(Looking at his watch.)
I have to go. Have a great day.
(Gives her a kiss.)
Make good teeth.

DORIS
Good luck with your meeting.

ERIC
It’s the Donut King – what could go wrong?

JOSHUA
He could have his head up his ass.

DORIS
Stop that!

ERIC
You know – he very well could. If he does, I’ll just –
(Pantomiming for JOSHUA.)- jerk it out.

JOSHUA
See ya, Eric! Good luck.

ERIC
Thanks, buddy. See ya later.

(ERIC starts to exit, then reaches over for another bagel. He starts to speak but DORIS cuts him off.)
DORIS
I know – carbs, baby. Goodbye.

(ERIC exits.)

DORIS
Are you ready to go, Joshua?

(JOSHUA sets his paper down, grabs his briefcase and waits at the door.)

JOSHUA
Ready.
(DORIS grabs her lunch and a bagel.)
Mom, we need to make one stop before Wal~Mart.

DORIS
We’re not stopping at the Donut King, Joshua. We’re gonna be late as it is.

JOSHUA
I want a Donut King donut.

DORIS
No.

JOSHUA
(Loudly.)
I WANT A DONUT KING DONUT! I WANT A DONUT -

DORIS
Fine. Let’s go already. Geezuz.
(FADE TO BLACK.)
Remind me to kill your brother the next time I see him, OK?

JOSHUA
OK.
(Beat)
Donut King. The donuts Joshua likes.

(END OF SCENE.)

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