"Jessica, Paris, Britney and Lindsay Meet Brett Favre on Their Train Wreck"

When NFL quarterback and legend Brett Favre takes a quiet train ride, the last thing he expected was to be sharing his train car with Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Throw in a Magic 8 Ball and you've got a tongue-and-cheek look at pop culture and celebrity - and its pitfalls.
10-minute, comedy (3M, 4W)

Official Entrant - Short & Sweet/Sydney, The World's Largest 10-Minute Play Festival, Australia, January 2009.

"Jessica, Paris, Lindsay and Britney Meet Brett Favre On Their Train Wreck"

A Short Play (excerpt)
by
Jeffrey James Ircink

4745 Saint Nicholas Avenue
Culver City, California, USA 90230
c: (262) 806-2808
w: (310) 477-8400
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://www.jeffircink.blogspot.com/
© Copyright September 2008

Cast of Characters

JESSICA SIMPSON – 28, singer/actress
PARIS HILTON – 27, celebrity
LINDSAY LOHAN – 22, actress
BRITNEY SPEARS – 27, singer
BRETT FAVRE – 39, New York Jets NFL quarterback
(former Green Bay Packers QB) and legend
CONDUCTOR VO – male
ATTENDANT – male

Setting
A train car on the North Woods Hiawatha. The train car is built a ½ foot off the stage to enable passengers to step down off it. There is one entrance to the car – upstage center that has a sliding door, and one exit downstage center that is open to the audience. An emergency cord is hanging prominently upstage in the middle of the car. "Entry of the Gladiators" by Julius Fucik (or similar circus-like music) subtly plays whenever one of the four girls enters the train car.

Time
The present.

"Jessica, Paris, Lindsay and Britney Meet Brett Favre On Their Train Wreck"

(BRETT FAVRE is sitting in a train car alone – his feet are resting on the seat in front of him and he’s reading a hunting magazine. He’s wearing a #4 New York Jets jersey and chinos and has a black sport jacket hanging on a hook off his right shoulder. It’s quiet, except for FAVRE humming his favorite country song to himself. Then he starts singing to himself. The train is in motion. Throughout the play, the CONDUCTOR VO announces various stops – the hometowns of each of the four women.)

CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Abilene. Abilene, Texas is our next stop.

(FAVRE continues reading his magazine. The train comes to a halt. A hubbub is heard outside the train car in the passageway. Suddenly, the train car door opens and JESSICA SIMPSON steps in with a carry-on, a package and she’s talking on her cell phone.)

SIMPSON
(On cell phone.)
I told you…you’re my assistant. That’s what I pay you for.
(Beat. She closes the train car door.)
Well it won’t take that long. Just squeeze the white toothpaste out of the green tube. Squeeze the blue and green toothpaste out of the white tube. Then put the blue and green toothpaste in the green toothpaste tube. It’s not that difficult.
(To FAVRE)
Hi.
(On the phone.)
What’s the difference? I’ll tell you what the difference is -
(To FAVRE, looking at one of the empty seats)
Is that seat taken?

FAVRE
No, ma’am.
(He takes his feet off the seat across from him.)

SIMPSON
(She throws her carry-on up into the overhead luggage rack and takes a seat across from FAVRE next to the window, holding her package on her lap. To FAVRE.)
Thank you.
(On the phone.)
Where was I? What? Oh yeah. The difference is I want my blue and green toothpaste in the green toothpaste tube because that’s where it belongs – that’s the difference.
(Beat.)
How should I know what to do with the white toothpaste? Put it in a baggie and take it home. Alrighty. Thank you. Bye, bye.
(She puts her phone in her purse. To FAVRE.)
Blue and green toothpaste is my favorite.
(Beat)
What’s yours?

FAVRE
I dunno. Crest, maybe.

SIMPSON
I mean what color do you like?

FAVRE
White.

SIMPSON
Oh.
(Beat)
White toothpaste is like…tidy whitey underwear. I mean, there’s so many really cool flavors to choose from. There’s green – that’s for fluoride. And blue’s for fresh breath. Red is cinnamony and it’s good for your tongue.

FAVRE
Your tongue?

SIMPSON
(She sticks out her tongue and talks with it sticking out of her mouth.)
Yeh, your tongue. Don’t you brush your tongue? You should. It’s part of your mouth, you know.

FAVRE
Really?

SIMPSON
(Tongue still out of her mouth.) Yeh.

FAVRE
So why do you switch the toothpaste in the tubes?

SIMPSON
(Talking normal.)
Oh, that’s just something for my housekeeper Yolanda to do.
(Beat)
Otherwise I’d have to do it myself.

CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills, California is our next stop.

(FAVRE continues reading his magazine. SIMPSON touches up her makeup. The train comes to a halt. A hubbub is heard outside the train car in the passageway. The train car door opens and in steps PARIS HILTON with a carry-on, a Magic 8 Ball and her dog – which is stuffed.)

HILTON
(To her dog.)
OK, Tinkerbell, like – how about this car? “Magic 8 – should I get into this car?”
(She vigorously shakes the Magic 8 Ball to reveal an answer. Reading the ball.)
“YES – DEFINITELY”. That’s hot. Hi everyone.
(FAVRE says “hello” but SIMPSON just nods. HILTON closes the train car door, tosses her carry-on up into the overhead luggage rack and sits opposite SIMPSON, holding her dog and the Magic 8 Ball. Pause. No emotion.)
Hi, Jessica.

SIMPSON
(No emotion.)
Hello, Paris.
(Pause.)
You have a well-behaved dog.

HILTON
Thanks. Her trainer’s the top dog whisperer in LA.

SIMPSON
My dogs listen better when I scream at them.
(Beat.)
I mean, when my dog trainer screams at them. What do you feed her? They say diet has a lot to do with a dog’s behavior.

HILTON
Filet mignon. Caviar. Cristal. Whatever I eat.

SIMPSON
That’s what my dogs eat. I have three.

HILTON
I have 17.

FAVRE
You have 17 dogs?

HILTON
(Putting on lip gloss.)
No – 17 shades of lip gloss.
(To FAVRE.)
Want some?

FAVRE
I’m good, thanks.

SIMPSON
(HILTON offers lip gloss to SIMPSON.)
No thanks. My lips are naturally glossy.

FAVRE
(Studying the dog.)
Excuse me, ma’am.
(HILTON presents her hand for FAVRE to kiss but he shakes it instead.)

FAVRE
Your dog - is that real?

HILTON
Ahh...yah.

FAVRE
It looks to be frozen stiff.

HILTON
(With her mouth down to the Magic 8 Ball.)
“Magic 8 Ball, is my dog real?”
(She vigorously shakes the ball.)
“AS I SEE IT, YES”.
(Showing it to FAVRE.)
See. I love the fact that my Magic 8 Ball is always right. That’s so hot.

FAVRE
I’m not saying it’s not a real dog. I’m saying it WAS a real dog. It looks to be preserved in a frozen state.
(Beat.)
I think they call it "cryogenics".
(He looks at SIMPSON for some support.)
SIMPSON
(She reaches out to pet the dog.)
I think she’s a beauty.
(To FAVRE)
Don’t you?

HILTON
She loves affection. We’re doing a shoot together next week for the Rwanda Travel and Tourism Board so I’m taking her to the groomer.

FAVRE
Hope your groomer’s got an ice pick.

HILTON
Excuse me?

FAVRE
Nothing.

HILTON
“Magic 8 Ball – what did he just say?”
(She vigorously shakes the ball.)
“BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW”.
(She gives FAVRE a squinty-eyed sneer. Beat.)
I need a latte.

SIMPSON
I need an enema.
(Looking around.)
What? It’s good for you
(Thinking.)
A double mocha coffee enema.

HILTON
I want a latte and an enema. I want a latte-flavored enema. With whipped cream.

FAVRE
(Under his breath.)
I wanna get the hell off this train.

SIMPSON/HILTON
What?

CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Kentwood. Kentwood, Louisiana is our next stop.