Merry Christmas and Happy 2009.

Merry Christmas.

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"Pass the Salt, Please."

What would happen if the dinner conversation of a married couple in their 50’s resembled the script pages of a scene in a pornographic film? As a man and woman catch up on the day’s events, their banter morphs from “ho-hum” to “whoop-eee!” – without missing a “bite”. The scene reflects the state of sex in the America of the feminine mystique, as viewed by feminist Betty Friedan.
10-minute (1M, 1W, 1 Announcer)

*BEST OF SHOW - UNcover: A two-nite art exhibition with an erotic vibe - juried show – Cedar Rapids, IA, March 2007 (directed).
*Short film in pre-production, 2009.
*Semi-Finalist, Short & Sweet/Sydney: The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Australia, Sydney, Australia, December, 2007.
*Los Angeles premiere, Drake's Erotic Emporium on Melrose in West Hollywood, Saturday, August 2007.
*Accepted into The Dirty Show, Detroit, Michigan, February 2008. (Unfortunately, the timing was off and I couldn't cast the play in time for this erotic arts exhibition. Talks in progress for next year's event.)
*Semi-finalist for Asphalt Jungle Shorts IV, Ontario, Canada, Spring 2008.
*Accepted into ArtBash, sponsored by NeedTheater and The Hollywood Fringe Festival, Los Angeles, December 2008. (Pulled the show as the venue didn't do the piece justice.)
NEW! Official Selection for Little Red Studio's Erotic Shorts Festival - April 24-26, May 1-3, 2009.
NEW! Selected as opening night entertainment, Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, April 30, 2009.
NEW! 5-week run at Miami's City Theatre for Summer Shorts Festival, May 28 - June 21. (4 weeks in Miami, 1 week in Fort Lauderdale)

“I love it, love it, love it! It's spot on and heart-breakingly hilarious…I hope that ‘Pass the Salt, Please.’ has legs of steel!” – Donna Latham, Playwright, Chicago, IL

“I love the play. I have high expectations for (its) proper performance (in order to) do it the entitled justice.” – Casey Kasparek, Artist/UNcover organizer, Mount Vernon, IA

"I love the play." – Stuart Metzler, Artistic Director, City Theatre, Miami

“We are interested in discussing your play. It might be something we would be interested in sponsoring.” – John Ince, The Sex Party, British Columbia, Canada


“Pass the Salt, Please”.

Cast of Characters
ANNOUNCER: Open
MAN: 45-60
WOMAN: 45-60

The MAN and WOMAN are relatively the same age (ideal age would be mid 50’s to early 60’s); MAN is dressed in jeans, tee shirt and casual dress shirt; WOMAN is dressed in jeans or pants and top. There is no “look” for this couple; nor should they have to look like they’re a “couple” (I’d actually prefer it if they weren’t “pretty”). This play is shorter than 10 minutes if you read it straight through. So, the actors need to adhere to the beats and pauses – intentionally placed to drag out the dinner table conversation. The more gaps and holes in the dialogue, the better.

Setting
Tuesday evening. A dining room in a home. The SET consists of a small dining room table, two chairs, and place settings for two and a jug of water. When this was first staged, we used real food and I prefer that. FOOD consisted of a rotisserie chicken split in half, cottage cheese, potato salad and fresh fruit.

Time
The present.

“Pass the Salt, Please.”

(As the following quote is read by the director or another appropriate representative, LIGHTS FADE UP on scene.)

ANNOUNCER:
“Instead of fulfilling the promise of infinite orgasmic bliss, sex in the America of the feminine mystique is becoming a strangely joyless national compulsion, if not a contemptuous mockery.” Betty Friedan. U.S. feminist.
(Beat)
Ladies and Gentlemen: “Pass the Salt, Please.”

(Tuesday evening. A MAN and WOMAN are at either end of a medium-sized table eating dinner. They are quiet. The tone throughout the entire scene is sedate - monotone, expressionless – as if the couple’s bored, but not necessarily with each other. They are fazed by nothing each other says – everything spoken is matter-of-factly. There is a long pause while they eat before the WOMAN speaks. NOTE: pauses = 5 seconds, but the final discretion is up to the director.)

WOMAN:
Anything exciting happen at work today?

MAN:
Not really. Same old, same old. Why?

WOMAN:
No reason.

(Pause.)

MAN:
Pfieffer got fired.

WOMAN:
Who’s Pfieffer?

MAN:
Guy in accounting. Could you pass the salt?

(She passes the salt. Pause.)

WOMAN:
So – Pfeiffer got fired.

MAN:
Yep.

WOMAN:
What did he do?

MAN:
I told you – he worked in accounting.

WOMAN:
I meant what did he do to get fired.

MAN:
I’m not sure. I didn’t know him that well. Just heard about it.

WOMAN:
Then why’d you bring him up?

MAN:
You brought him up.

WOMAN:
How did I bring him up? I don’t know him. Could I have the salt, please?
(He passes the salt.)
Thank you.

MAN:
You asked me if anything exciting happened at work today. Pfeiffer getting fired was exciting.

WOMAN:
How do you figure?

MAN:
What’s your definition of “exciting”?

WOMAN:
(Beat)
Winning the lottery.
(Beat)
A new dining room set.

MAN:
OK.

WOMAN:
(Overlapping)
Traveling – anywhere.

MAN:
(Overlapping)
I got it. What about –

WOMAN:
(Overlapping)
Getting fired is not “exciting”.

MAN:
What about the guys who were waiting for the Hindenburg to land in New Jersey...the ones who caught the guide ropes the crew threw out?

WOMAN:
The linesmen?

MAN:
Yeh, the linesman. Yuh suppose at dinner later that night when the linesman’s wife asked him, ‘did anything exciting happen at work today, dear?’, he said, ‘no’?
(Beat)
What he said was, ‘Yeh, the God damn Hindenburg crashed and burned while I was holding onto one of the guide ropes’.
(Beat)
That’s “exciting”.

WOMAN:
That’s a tragedy.

MAN:
It’s still exciting.

WOMAN:
So I should be excited about people burning to death.

MAN:
I’m not saying you should revel in someone else’s tragedy. Excitement can mean ‘the state of being emotionally worked up’.
(Beat)
I’m simply saying there’s a level of excitement to everything – however dreadful it may be.

WOMAN:
Whatever.

MAN:
Whatever. Can I have the salt?
(She passes the salt. Beat.)
What are you doing tonight?

WOMAN:
I’d like to finish that book you gave me for Christmas – the one on cats.

MAN:
It’s a picture book.

WOMAN:
(Aside)
Yah.

(Pause.)

MAN:
I bought two boxes of paperwhite candles from Sheila. She –

WOMAN:
Who’s Sheila?

MAN:
My boss’s receptionist. You’ve met her. She hosted one of those house parties where women buy jewelry and Tupperware and – stuff.

WOMAN:
I didn’t know they still made Tupperware.

MAN:
Yep.

WOMAN:
When were you at her house?

MAN:
She brought them into the office.

WOMAN:
Men purchase stuff from house parties too, you know.

MAN:
I know. I bought candles.

WOMAN:
I love the smell of paperwhites.

MAN:
Yah – well I thought maybe we could light a few – later on...in the bathtub. Listen to some music...glass of wine – you know.

WOMAN:
You wanna put candles in the bathtub?

MAN:
No – you and I would be in the tub. The candles would be –

WOMAN:
Oh. Right.
(Beat)
We’ll see...maybe.
(Beat)
Candles and music, huh?

MAN:
It’s a “touch”.
(He salts his food. Pause.)
Do we have any honey?

WOMAN:
I don’t think so.

MAN:
Would you look for me?

WOMAN:
Why do you want honey?

MAN:
I like a full complement of condiments at my disposal when I’m eating. Is there anything wrong with that?

WOMAN:
Why don’t you look yourself?

MAN:
I don’t know where you keep it.

WOMAN:
I think we’re out of honey anyway.

MAN:
Forget it.
(Pause)
If I had some honey right now I’d take it and –
(Beat)
– squirt it on your chest.

WOMAN:
Excuse me?

MAN:
Then I’d lick the honey off your tits.

WOMAN:
You’re such a pig.
(Beat)
How would you like it if I took some honey and squirt it on...your...dick?




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"Jessica, Paris, Britney and Lindsay Meet Brett Favre on Their Train Wreck"

When NFL quarterback and legend Brett Favre takes a quiet train ride, the last thing he expected was to be sharing his train car with Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Throw in a Magic 8 Ball and you've got a tongue-and-cheek look at pop culture and celebrity - and its pitfalls.
10-minute, comedy (3M, 4W)

Official Entrant - Short & Sweet/Sydney, The World's Largest 10-Minute Play Festival, Australia, January 2009.

"Jessica, Paris, Lindsay and Britney Meet Brett Favre On Their Train Wreck"

A Short Play (excerpt)
by
Jeffrey James Ircink

4745 Saint Nicholas Avenue
Culver City, California, USA 90230
c: (262) 806-2808
w: (310) 477-8400
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://www.jeffircink.blogspot.com/
© Copyright September 2008

Cast of Characters

JESSICA SIMPSON – 28, singer/actress
PARIS HILTON – 27, celebrity
LINDSAY LOHAN – 22, actress
BRITNEY SPEARS – 27, singer
BRETT FAVRE – 39, New York Jets NFL quarterback
(former Green Bay Packers QB) and legend
CONDUCTOR VO – male
ATTENDANT – male

Setting
A train car on the North Woods Hiawatha. The train car is built a ½ foot off the stage to enable passengers to step down off it. There is one entrance to the car – upstage center that has a sliding door, and one exit downstage center that is open to the audience. An emergency cord is hanging prominently upstage in the middle of the car. "Entry of the Gladiators" by Julius Fucik (or similar circus-like music) subtly plays whenever one of the four girls enters the train car.

Time
The present.

"Jessica, Paris, Lindsay and Britney Meet Brett Favre On Their Train Wreck"

(BRETT FAVRE is sitting in a train car alone – his feet are resting on the seat in front of him and he’s reading a hunting magazine. He’s wearing a #4 New York Jets jersey and chinos and has a black sport jacket hanging on a hook off his right shoulder. It’s quiet, except for FAVRE humming his favorite country song to himself. Then he starts singing to himself. The train is in motion. Throughout the play, the CONDUCTOR VO announces various stops – the hometowns of each of the four women.)

CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Abilene. Abilene, Texas is our next stop.

(FAVRE continues reading his magazine. The train comes to a halt. A hubbub is heard outside the train car in the passageway. Suddenly, the train car door opens and JESSICA SIMPSON steps in with a carry-on, a package and she’s talking on her cell phone.)

SIMPSON
(On cell phone.)
I told you…you’re my assistant. That’s what I pay you for.
(Beat. She closes the train car door.)
Well it won’t take that long. Just squeeze the white toothpaste out of the green tube. Squeeze the blue and green toothpaste out of the white tube. Then put the blue and green toothpaste in the green toothpaste tube. It’s not that difficult.
(To FAVRE)
Hi.
(On the phone.)
What’s the difference? I’ll tell you what the difference is -
(To FAVRE, looking at one of the empty seats)
Is that seat taken?

FAVRE
No, ma’am.
(He takes his feet off the seat across from him.)

SIMPSON
(She throws her carry-on up into the overhead luggage rack and takes a seat across from FAVRE next to the window, holding her package on her lap. To FAVRE.)
Thank you.
(On the phone.)
Where was I? What? Oh yeah. The difference is I want my blue and green toothpaste in the green toothpaste tube because that’s where it belongs – that’s the difference.
(Beat.)
How should I know what to do with the white toothpaste? Put it in a baggie and take it home. Alrighty. Thank you. Bye, bye.
(She puts her phone in her purse. To FAVRE.)
Blue and green toothpaste is my favorite.
(Beat)
What’s yours?

FAVRE
I dunno. Crest, maybe.

SIMPSON
I mean what color do you like?

FAVRE
White.

SIMPSON
Oh.
(Beat)
White toothpaste is like…tidy whitey underwear. I mean, there’s so many really cool flavors to choose from. There’s green – that’s for fluoride. And blue’s for fresh breath. Red is cinnamony and it’s good for your tongue.

FAVRE
Your tongue?

SIMPSON
(She sticks out her tongue and talks with it sticking out of her mouth.)
Yeh, your tongue. Don’t you brush your tongue? You should. It’s part of your mouth, you know.

FAVRE
Really?

SIMPSON
(Tongue still out of her mouth.) Yeh.

FAVRE
So why do you switch the toothpaste in the tubes?

SIMPSON
(Talking normal.)
Oh, that’s just something for my housekeeper Yolanda to do.
(Beat)
Otherwise I’d have to do it myself.

CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills, California is our next stop.

(FAVRE continues reading his magazine. SIMPSON touches up her makeup. The train comes to a halt. A hubbub is heard outside the train car in the passageway. The train car door opens and in steps PARIS HILTON with a carry-on, a Magic 8 Ball and her dog – which is stuffed.)

HILTON
(To her dog.)
OK, Tinkerbell, like – how about this car? “Magic 8 – should I get into this car?”
(She vigorously shakes the Magic 8 Ball to reveal an answer. Reading the ball.)
“YES – DEFINITELY”. That’s hot. Hi everyone.
(FAVRE says “hello” but SIMPSON just nods. HILTON closes the train car door, tosses her carry-on up into the overhead luggage rack and sits opposite SIMPSON, holding her dog and the Magic 8 Ball. Pause. No emotion.)
Hi, Jessica.

SIMPSON
(No emotion.)
Hello, Paris.
(Pause.)
You have a well-behaved dog.

HILTON
Thanks. Her trainer’s the top dog whisperer in LA.

SIMPSON
My dogs listen better when I scream at them.
(Beat.)
I mean, when my dog trainer screams at them. What do you feed her? They say diet has a lot to do with a dog’s behavior.

HILTON
Filet mignon. Caviar. Cristal. Whatever I eat.

SIMPSON
That’s what my dogs eat. I have three.

HILTON
I have 17.

FAVRE
You have 17 dogs?

HILTON
(Putting on lip gloss.)
No – 17 shades of lip gloss.
(To FAVRE.)
Want some?

FAVRE
I’m good, thanks.

SIMPSON
(HILTON offers lip gloss to SIMPSON.)
No thanks. My lips are naturally glossy.

FAVRE
(Studying the dog.)
Excuse me, ma’am.
(HILTON presents her hand for FAVRE to kiss but he shakes it instead.)

FAVRE
Your dog - is that real?

HILTON
Ahh...yah.

FAVRE
It looks to be frozen stiff.

HILTON
(With her mouth down to the Magic 8 Ball.)
“Magic 8 Ball, is my dog real?”
(She vigorously shakes the ball.)
“AS I SEE IT, YES”.
(Showing it to FAVRE.)
See. I love the fact that my Magic 8 Ball is always right. That’s so hot.

FAVRE
I’m not saying it’s not a real dog. I’m saying it WAS a real dog. It looks to be preserved in a frozen state.
(Beat.)
I think they call it "cryogenics".
(He looks at SIMPSON for some support.)
SIMPSON
(She reaches out to pet the dog.)
I think she’s a beauty.
(To FAVRE)
Don’t you?

HILTON
She loves affection. We’re doing a shoot together next week for the Rwanda Travel and Tourism Board so I’m taking her to the groomer.

FAVRE
Hope your groomer’s got an ice pick.

HILTON
Excuse me?

FAVRE
Nothing.

HILTON
“Magic 8 Ball – what did he just say?”
(She vigorously shakes the ball.)
“BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW”.
(She gives FAVRE a squinty-eyed sneer. Beat.)
I need a latte.

SIMPSON
I need an enema.
(Looking around.)
What? It’s good for you
(Thinking.)
A double mocha coffee enema.

HILTON
I want a latte and an enema. I want a latte-flavored enema. With whipped cream.

FAVRE
(Under his breath.)
I wanna get the hell off this train.

SIMPSON/HILTON
What?

CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Kentwood. Kentwood, Louisiana is our next stop.

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"The Bed"

An introspective look at a man's life, from infancy through death.
10-minute, drama (5M, 3W - roles may be double cast)

NEW! *Semi-Finalist, Short & Sweet/Sydney: The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Australia, January 2009.

"Good play." - Alex Broun, Artistic Co-ordinator of Short & Sweet/Sydney/Brisbane/Melbourne/Singapore, the largest ten minute play festival in the world, and one of the world's most produced ten minute playwrights

"The Bed"

A Short-Sheeted Play (excerpt)
by
Jeffrey James Ircink

4745 Saint Nicholas Avenue
Culver City, California, USA 90230
c: (262) 806-2808
w: (310) 477-8400
weakknees@gbpackersfan.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://www.jeffircink.blogspot.com/
© Copyright September 2008

Cast of Characters

MALE VO, 60+, Standard British accent
FATHER / MAN, 30 (d)
MOTHER / WIFE at 30
WIFE at 75
TEEN GIRL, 18 / NURSE (d)
YOUNG BOY, 7
TEEN BOY, 18
MIDDLE-AGED MAN, 55 /
OLD MAN, 80 (d)

The BOY, TEEN BOY, MAN, MIDDLE-AGED MAN and OLD MAN represent the baby at various stages of its life. Suggested roles may be double-cast (d) if convenient.

Setting
A bedroom. Initially, the bedroom is decorated for a baby boy. As each scene shifts to coincide with the boy’s aging, the bedroom should be decorated appropriately – 2-4 items may be brought in and taken away as the actors shift scenes. Also, regardless of how the light in the room is turned on and off, it should appear as if the lights are manipulated by an actor (i.e. light switch or table lamp).

The prominent piece of furniture in the bedroom is a queen-sized bed, including bed frame, headboard and baseboard, and a nightstand with lamp. “Adagio in G Minor” plays throughout this piece.

Time
The past, present and future.

The Bed
(MUSIC CUE: “Adagio in G Minor”. A door opens and the lights are switched on by a FATHER and MOTHER entering a baby boy’s room. A queen-size bed is the prominent fixture – and a sock monkey sets on the bed. The couple has arrived home from the hospital with their new baby in tow. The couple’s movements – the requisite playing with the baby, feeding the baby, changing the baby – jive with the music and have a 50’s/Capra-esque feel, yet the characters and settings are nondescript. The FATHER exits, the music fades and the MOTHER sings a lullaby as she settles into a rocker to rock her baby to sleep. MAN VO is heard. The MAN VO is an older man’s voice – the baby grown up, reflecting on his life. His tone is contemplative. MUSIC FADES.)

MAN VO: “After my birth and upon my arrival home from the hospital, the first place my parents took me was to my bedroom. It was there that I was introduced to “the bed” – my bed. Not a crib like most infants – but my very own queen-sized bed. As a child, my mother taught me many things, the three most important of those being: do onto others, wear clean underwear and the importance of home décor. Notwithstanding its obvious versatility, ‘One’s bed’, my mother would quip, ‘is the most important piece of furniture in the home’.”

(The MOTHER places the baby in the bed, pulling up the guard rails on either side to keep it from falling out.)

“The bed and I were inseparable. During those early years, it was nothing more than a practical appendage of my own self – a utilitarian object in my life I neither understood nor questioned. I was simply ‘being’ with the bed.”

(The MOTHER walks to the door, turning to have one last moment with her baby, then switches off the light and exits. BEAT. MUSIC FADES UP. The door opens and a YOUNG BOY – age 7 – turns on the light and runs into the room. He has a box of animal crackers with him. The MOTHER and FATHER follow, exchanging the “baby” motif for “young boy” decor. The sock monkey sets atop a pile of other toys. The MOTHER and FATHER kiss the child on the head and exit. The YOUNG BOY jumps up and down on the bed while eating his crackers. MUSIC FADES.)

MAN VO: “As I matured from an infant to a young boy, I began to comprehend the significance of my mother’s wisdom. (The MOTHER re-enters, taking the crackers away from the boy and chastising him, then exits. The YOUNG BOY constructs a tent on the bed out of sheets and blankets.) The bed was more than just a place to sleep, more than respite to cure my ills – it was my playground; my pirate ship; my fort; it was my stage and my cinema. My altar and my alter-ego. My refuge…where I commanded the world to do my bidding or hide under the covers when my bidding fell miserably short of expectations. It was my castle and I was the king. (The lights FADE TO BLACK and a flashlight appears from within the “tent”.) It is where I dreamt and where my dreams came true.”

(Flashlight goes off. Beat. MUSIC FADES UP. Door opens and a 18-year-old TEEN BOY enters and turns on the light – with him is a TEEN GIRL. It’s the whole teenage thing – he’s shy, she’s coy – and then suddenly they start making out on the bed. The sock monkey sits under the bed, staring out at the audience. MUSIC FADES.)

MAN VO: “As a young man, the bed turned from pirate ship to boudoir – a veritable playground where I was consumed with pleasures of the flesh. I took full advantage of my coming of age, delighting myself in the exploration of all the sights, sounds and smells that make a woman tick. (Pause VO. The TEEN GIRL gets off the bed and turns the lights off. LIGHTS UP to minimum – just enough to see the couple’s silhouettes. We hear the couple writhing under the sheets. The TEEN GIRL can be seen while the TEEN BOY is under the covers between the TEEN GIRL’S legs. We hear the sound of sex.) To eat, to sleep, to read, to work, and yes – to fuck. It is said that these are the best days of one’s life. I couldn’t have agreed more.”

(Beat. MUSIC FADES UP. A MAN in his early 30’s sits on an unmade bed – paperwork spread all over. The MAN is wearing an untucked dress shirt and tie, both unbuttoned, sleeves rolled up. The room décor has changed to reflect that of an adult. There’s a coffee cup on the nightstand. The sock monkey is lying on the floor. MUSIC FADES.)

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Works-in-Progress

Mudskipper #1 and #2, Aquarium of the Pacific, Long Beach, August 2008.

"The journey is the thing". Writers understand that as well as anyone. So - here are a few projects I'm currently working on:

HOW TO KILL A BOY! (full length) - a dark comedy. This is the project I'm concentrating on completing first. I can't really go into this one right now - it's a secret ("Everybody has secrets, Mummy. Don't you?"). Suffice it to say, the premise has people laughing their asses off. Think the movie VERY BAD THINGS meets HOME ALONE - then put it on stage. 4M, 2W (1W plays multiple parts)

THE EXONERATION OF D. E. S (full length) - a historical courtroom drama. D.E.S are the initials for my protagonist - or is he the antagonist? This politician murdered his wife's lover (the son of a very, very famous man that you would recognize) and was acquitted when he plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity - a first in American jurisprudence. (Many, many parts)

THE METAMORPHOSES OF AN ASHCAN (or The Dominican, a Satyr and Nymph, Two Vaudevillians and a Clown Discuss Matters of Substance Over Goat Cheese and Tea) (full length) - The characters in four realism paintings come to life in a surrealistic setting, butt heads and are changed forever. (4M, 2W)

Two plays on Frank Lloyd Wright. One is a straight play based on Wright's relationship with Edward Kaufmann, the soon-to-be owner of Fallingwater. The other is a musical based on Wright's life. Wright's from Wisconsin. I'm from Wisconsin. And I love his work - well, most of it anyway (not the California textile block stuff). Read more!